Sexcapades: Dating – Am I the Dating Type?

Sexcapades

Am I the Dating Type? Maybe Not Right Now, and That’s Okay.

Let’s start from the beginning: Middle School Dating.

I swear I must have had more game back in like the sixth grade because I was always wrapped up in some dating drama. I used to “date” this boy on and off again from like fifth to eighth grade. Even to this day, one of my best friends still likes reminding me of the drama that was my relationship was this boy. It’s crazy because I’m working for the YMCA now, and dealing with middle school aged tweens and teens. I constantly have to tell them they are too young to date. It is very hypocritical for me to say but I wish I got that talk. Or, at least remember getting that talk.

What’s so funny about this age is because you think you are so grown. Especially when you are in eighth grade. Personally, my school enrolled kids starting from kindergarten, and went all the way through eighth grade. Suffice to say, I felt pretty grown and like a hot shot being in the oldest grade. And confusingly enough, this was probably the only time in my life where I wished I had a boyfriend. Middle school is a weird time for everyone, including you when you’re trying to figure out who you are.

I guess dating in middle school is like a way of figuring out what kind of person you want to be. As a young teen, you start become self-aware and self-conscious of your body and life changing. It is always the ultimate confidence boost when someone likes you and wants to date you. So (and I am coming to this conclusion as I write) maybe, dating in middle school is not so bad after all.  That is, until another boy who you really liked tells you that he likes you, but then takes it back a week later. Yep, that happened to me. “I thought I liked you, but I don’t” (Remember that for later) .

Moving on to my smartest dating decisions in a time I call: Sophomore Summer Love 

High school was a totally different beast. Freshman year, I feel like I tried to avoid interaction with people as much as possible. I was very cultured shocked and scared. There were some more deeper and personal reasons that really shaped my dating life all the way through college. Toward the end of my freshman year I started to come out of my shell. I had a group of friends that would hang out every day at one of my best friend’s house. Over the course of the summer, my friend Gabby started to date this boy who happened to have a very cute friend. On the week of the annual Saint Michael’s feast, I met this boy. He was so my type: tall, dark hair, light eyes. Although, in college I switched the dark hair for blond hair.

The chemistry was instant, but my friends were bit hesitant on him meeting me. Originally they wanted to set him up with another friend. Fortunately, it was undeniable that we liked each other from the start. With my friends’ blessing, I began what was probably the first time I started to “talk” to someone. And for the initiated, talking is when two people like each other a lot and have established that they like each other but they aren’t technically “boyfriend” and “girlfriend” yet, but they don’t talk to other people.

To continue, this boy and I continued on throughout the remaining of the summer, but then I began to have my doubts. As a person who is assertive and can come off as aggressive, I don’t like when people are insecure. It is a trait that is not very compassionate of me, and I admit that boys definitely have it harder than girls when it comes to expressing feelings. One day, I thought this boy was going to make a move and kiss me before he left to go home. However, he didn’t and it was probably because he was too nervous. In high school it is also a hard time to dateI felt rejected by this and I got in my head that he didn’t like me. 

In the efforts to save myself from being hurt I did what I am now infamous for: running away. I told him that I “thought I liked him, but I don’t.” It came full circle. I was so afraid that he was going to end it before more that I made it competition. Who can hurt who first. After I did this I felt immense guilt. I did like him, I really did. I’m not going to lie and say that I didn’t regret it during high school. He was so sweet and nice and from what I remember he even treated me right! If this was a superhero movie this is the part where you see a character become a villain because they let their fear and ego take control. 

And for the the third act of my dating saga: College Love?

Like mentioned before, high school was a hard time for me, though I rarely ever let it show. During this time, I felt like I was unlovable and I wore that on my sleeve by saying that I had no soul. I had literally made myself believe that I was a stone cold bitch and boys would not like me. I was battling many internal demons that it felt like any boy who dared tried to get close to me was an attack on my very being. 

College was somewhat the same, however, I started to resolve some of these issues. I began exploring my sexuality more than I did in high school. Yet, I still didn’t feel the need to be in a relationship with these boys. Don’t get me wrong, I did like some of them but I wasn’t too keen on dating them. To be frank, I was still scared. Scared of rejection, humiliation and worse bestowing those feelings on to them. I still wouldn’t let any boy get close to my guarded heart. Some may argue that I did tell them intimate things, to me though, they weren’t at all. I just told them what they wanted to hear so they didn’t think I was stone cold. Although, one did call me that and I laughed.

It is not that I don’t feel loveable now, I know that I am full capable of giving and receiving love. However, I feel like the boys that I meet are not on same wave length that I am, so as a result, I just have sex with them. Honestly, it gives me a release because I’ll only have sex if I enjoy it with the person. As one should always do. Sex is sex, as long as it’s good, consensual sex. I’ve seen it so many times, girls settling for some lame guy who only knows missionary and doggy style. I once met a girl who openly admitted to me that sex is sex and it doesn’t have to be good. That statement literally blew my mind because I can think of some many other things I can do in those 10 minutes (and that’s just being generous). 

As my time in college progressed I learned that I genuinely love my single life. I enjoy flirting, I enjoy my alone time, I enjoy the excitement of going to a party and talking to many boys. I don’t have to worry about a jealous partner—not that I would attract one. I get to sleep in my bed all by myself and star-fish out so I can take up every single inch. It’s not that I don’t want a relationship, human beings need companionship. I am just very comfortable where I am at right now. I am in the process of starting a new job that actually pertains what career I want. I am transitioning into my final months in college and I’ve accomplished more than I’ve ever dreamt of at KCR.  

Don’t get it twisted and confuse me with some stereotypical career driven woman that you see on TV. Not all career driven women are stone cold and only want to further their career before they settle down and have children. Like I said I am just comfortable where I am at right now. I am in my power, my confidence, my fire. If love finds away in than so be it, but right now I’m enjoy being single. And, that is a true character development for this girl who no longer sees herself as a villain. 

If you have a funny, enlightening or educational sex piece that you’d like to submit, fill out this form. Which reminds me of something…

You guys remember the previous post right? About creepy DMS? Well, there’s a next level creeper in town: RANDOM COMMENTERS.

The worst of the worst. They are like the boss in the video games that you need to beat to win the level. So quick story time; I posted a smokin’ beach pic from my trip to Venice Beach. While I was looking at the comment section, filled with my personal hype-people (a.k.a friends), I noticed an outlier. A random person with a comment that read “Yum” followed by the fire emoji. I nearly vomited. An unknown person who I don’t know commented “Yum” for everyone to see, including my family. Image

This image has an empty alt attribute; its file name is IMG_4621-1020x196.jpg
Here’s a picture for proof
Written by: Julie Cappiello

The Pansexual Panel: Group Sex and Polyamory

The Pansexual Panel

Group sex, polyamory, and most importantly, taking care of yourself is the core message of the latest issue of The Pansexual Panel.

Let’s all collectively admit that people are giving polyamory a bad name by slapping it on every instance of group sex and calling it a day. Okay, now let’s take a step back and really dig into what the heck I’m talking about. Just the other day a question threw me for a loop; how do people even get into a situation were multiple people want to have sex with you?

It’s a fair question. And on my part, all the situations I’ve ended up in before just happened naturally. Not to say some didn’t have a few kinks (no pun intended) to work out. But to be perfectly honest it was more of a “right time, right place” kind of situation. Before delving into the topic, it should be noted that when polyamory is done right, when everyone is open and honest about their needs and wants, it works really well. It does require that you put out a lot more effort, but the payoff is almost always worth it.

And for the uninitiated: “Polyamory is the practice of, or desire for, intimate relationships with more than one partner, with the consent of all partners involved.”

Let’s assume for this round that you are in fact looking to get into a sexual encounter with multiple people at the same time. Well good for you! Most people feel weird about sex in general but here you are wanting to dive head first into sexual exploration. My first instinct is to over plan, so definitely do not do that. However, this doesn’t mean you should skip expectations and limits. That’s right: LIMITS! Just because it’s a more open group doesn’t mean you have to compromise something. Establish these rules before moving forward and people will know you are serious about your boundaries.

Safety should always stick at the top of the list, both mentally and physically. Are you sexually active? Then get tested every 6 months to a year, or better yet, every 3-6 months. As long as you are making yourself top priority, you can literally do anything you like. Oftentimes people will try to rain on your parade and limit what you do; don’t let them! That message is especially directed towards femmes and ladies: slut shaming isn’t cool, “dude,” and I’m here to tell you that everyone else is just JEALOUS. That’s right, full on Jelly!

But all in all, if you want more legitimate information about sex in general check out the book: The Guide to Getting It On by Paul-Joannides

This book changed my life when I first read it 8 years ago, and I sure hope it gets you started down a road of sexual positivity. Until next time, enjoy your sex and make sure you don’t compromise your comfort for some else’s pleasure.

Written by: Jonathan Sotelo

Sexcapades: ENOUGH with the creepy DMs.

Sexcapades

On this week’s Sexcapades: We explore how since the dawn of time, people have thought that creepy overused pickup lines were the gateway to a woman’s heart (and vagina).

I can see cavemen grunting and winking toward cavewomen in hopes that she will invite him back to her cave. In the year 2019, nothing has changed, except that the pickup lines begin on social media in the DMs.

This is why I took my Instagram link off of my Tinder profile because I would get the weirdest messages. But I wish I knew that I would end up writing a sex blog, because I otherwise would have kept them. One of the creepiest DMs that I’ve received is forever engraved in my memory. It said, “I want to make you like I make my Chipotle Burritos. Hot, spicy and stuffed.” Mortified does not even come close to describing how I still feel.

On my quest to recover some of my encounters with the third kind, I went to place where all of my deepest, darkest secrets lie: the ‘Mission Impossible’ group chat. It was in that alternate reality where I discovered an equally horrifying DM as the one I mentioned before.

The pickup line within itself is not horrible, but it’s the last sentence that sends shivers down my spine.

 

“I had to skip tinder to message you”

 First of all, if we don’t match on Tinder what gives you the idea that I want to talk to you on another social media platform! The whole point of Tinder is to connect with people through…wait for it kids…TINDER. Okay, I get it, I can see how he could have gotten confused, I did put my Instagram in my bio. However, the only reason why I, and most other people do that, is to make sure the rest of the nondesperates knew I was real.

Second of all, I am not going to answer all your prayers. I am your darkest nightmare. And no, it did not hurt when I fell from heaven because I crawled my way out of HELL.

On a scale of 1 to 10, these DMs are creepy!

I was going to rate these DMs on a scale of 1 to 10 based on how creepy they are, but let’s be honest if a random person is sliding into your DMs its always creepy. I want to thank to all the lovely people for submitting their creepy messages.

Gimme yo f***in’ money!

 

Submitted by Anonymous

What a way to get the job done. Send the person a wad of money with no context! The ‘Booooooo’ and ‘So sad lol’ kill me honestly. How the hell does one respond to this? Is this a solicitation or demand to be your sugar baby? I have so many questions but I don’t know if I want to know the answers.

Hello 9-11, there’s a creep in my DMs

Submitted by Anonymous

The recovery on this DM is very smooth, I’m going to give them that. Also the dedication to incorporate the emojis and “sound effect” is very creative. “Wow” is a very appropriate response because what other response could be said. I hope this girl gave him a chance. I think I ship them together. Actually, I do ship them together.

Remember boys, consistency is key!

Submitted by Anonymous

Four years. For four years this mans messaged this girl. He wants to apologize for blowing up their phone for the last couple of days, but where is the apology for the LAST FOUR YEARS? Clearly, they doesn’t want to talk to you if they doesn’t answer. This, kids, is what we all obsession. Mariah Carey wrote a song about this!

“I don’t have creepy DMs but I do have creepy dudes who don’t stop. When I don’t answer your texts and then you start messaging me on Twitter to see if I open them…Men!”

Submitted by Gianna

Gianna, honey, I am so sorry this happens to you. It is one thing to have men message you creepy things it is another to have them contact you through multiple platforms. These are the worst kind of men.

Submitted by Gianna

I thought it was just an urban legend of boys messaging you through LinkedIn. I feel like I just saw Bigfoot. I feel like I don’t even need to explain how creepy this situation is. At the same time, this is absolutely hilarious, because of all the social media sites we have, this man decided to choose LinkedIn of all sites.

“Is your name Google? Because you’ve got everything I’m searching for.”

This post isn’t so much about sex or a sexual act to say. However, this post highlights the great lengths boy will go through to get laid. On my quest to understand, I decided to google some cheesy pickup lines. To my surprise a few were found in the submissions. I couldn’t help but wonder, do boys google cheesy pickup lines?

I shuddered at the thought of a boy looking at girl’s profile and thinking to himself, “I can totally bang this girl.” Though his confidence seems to be beaming because he is sitting behind a screen, he wipes a little bit of sweat off his forehead. He types out “There’s something wrong with my cellphone. It doesn’t have your number in it.” He chuckles to himself a bit, presses send and waits for a response. Most of the time he will keep on waiting and somewhere in that girl’s group chat her and her friends are roasting the shit out of him.

If you have an enlightening or funny sex story submit it here!

Written by: Julie Cappiello

The Pansexual Panel: Why only with straight men?

The Pansexual Panel

Think about you. Why are you only having sex with straight men? Are you really being who you want to be? Or are you hiding in plain sight?

Just the other day someone asked “who are you (what gender, what sex)?” and vaguely gestured to my bright pastel clothing. A gesture that could only be interpreted as pure confusion over my sexuality and attached to it my gender identity. Everyone wants to place you in a box because they feel uncomfortable that they can’t judge you with a quick glance. This discomfort spreads even more when they aren’t sure if they should use HE SHE OR THEY assuming THEY ever comes across their mind. Sure dealing with straight culture can dampen your otherwise queer day, but that’s not the point. What drew me to this tiny corner of the internet today was a discussion among my Femme friends about sexual pleasure. More specifically:

Are you having an orgasm every single time you have sex?

Too broad? Let’s narrow that down:

Are women having orgasms when they have sex with men?

Please note the word “men” is being using lightly and for obvious reasons is not capitalized. More on that later I promise. The story begins with our close friend, who we will call Katie for the sake of her privacy and her innocent questions. Our friend group was not prepared for the bomb shell she dropped on us just a few days ago. Seemingly out of nowhere she asked:

Do you guys have an orgasm every single time you have sex?

Among the many answers came a single question:

Are you only having sex with straight men?

She nodded yes and a loud sigh came from every queer member of this impromptu panel that was formed around this single question. She continued to explain that her sexual relationship consisted of vigorous sex for just a few minutes during which she never quite got there. Plain and simple she wasn’t enjoying her sexual relationship with her boyfriend. Or rather her own pleasure was not being put up for discussion by her nor her boyfriend. Naturally we suggested that be the first step but to our dismay we discovered that he told her “It just takes too long”.

Let’s unpack that; a young girl mid-twenties who can count her sexual partners on her hand has now been told her want for pleasure is inconvenient.

F*** THAT.

Orgasms are important!

Obviously the first step should be an open discussion about pleasure both shared and individual but if someone isn’t willing to do that for you then you should consider why you are keeping them around. Is this a critique of straight men? Not at all, but consider that the most unsatisfied women we’ve ever encountered are always having sex with straight men. See, our set societal norms are cock blocking us. Seriously, the patriarchy has become so prominent and normalized that some women are questioning if they should be enjoying sex at all. The answer is:

YES!

Of course you should be enjoying sex, we should be redefining sex to include a huge variety of things. Penetration isn’t the only form of sex and I’m here to tell you that you need to stop letting people shame you. Upset some fucking people, talk back, question their motives be loud and be seen.

What is the first step? Start here if you like. This won’t be a 100% percent correct and informational one stop shop for all things sex, gender, sexual identity but it will be a place you can be honest with yourself and each other if you are willing to enter into that conversation.

Who am I?

My names Jonathan Richard Sotelo, I’m Mexican Guatemalan American. I am Queer, Pansexual, and gender non-conforming. If you believe in the spectrum you could place me right in the middle.

Until next time, think about you.

Written by: Jonathan Richard Sotelo