Sexcapades: ‘Cmon baby, light my fire’

Sexcapades

Foreplay can make or break the entire sexual experience from building tension, to getting in the mood, and finally, engaging in an intimate connection in the bedroom.

If the government really can track us through search histories, texts, and instant messages, mine are definitely self-incriminating. As a writer, especially a sex blogger, I always worry about how my search histories are perceived to the FBI agent lurking behind my screen. I plead the fifth.  Most of the time it’s a cross between sex research, conspiracy theories and aliens. Sometimes they even intersect…just kidding.

Maybe. 

Anyway, let’s talk what gets us hot and heavy. 

Touch My Body 

Is it a look? Oh, you know what look I’m talking about.

Is it a touch or caress? 

A combination of the two acts? 

What the fuck is foreplay? Is it something that happens before sex? When does it start? Is it even important? 

The answer to that last question is 100 percent yes. 

What exactly is foreplay?

Where does foreplay begin and end? 

Does it include oral sex? 

Can foreplay lead to orgasms? 

According to Planned Parenthood, foreplay is a precursor to sexual intercourse and it includes kissing, touching and the sharing of sexual fantasies. In this definition, PP outlines that the purpose of foreplay is to build up sexual excitement and explicitly states that it helps women’s bodies prepare for sex.

Again, the question comes up: when does foreplay begin? 

When I am at the bars and I am flirting with a guy, if I feel the vibes and the sexual tension is strong, I know I am going to ask him to leave with me. The flirting, dancing, light kissing, and touching is the foreplay because I know when we are alone I am ready to get down.

Moushumi Ghose, a licensed therapist specializing in sex and relationship, challenges what society deems as foreplay in a Huff Post article. Honestly, her definition is not much different from the scenario that I described above. Controversially, Ghose says that kissing, oral sex, and manual stimulation should be considered under the umbrella of sex. I wouldn’t necessarily agree that a heavy makeout session on the couch would be considered sex. 

However, Ghose says foreplay is everything else that builds up to the moment of sex: all the innocently, sweet gestures to the spicy sexts. All the sexual thoughts share with your partner is foreplay. What I like that Ghose mentions is foreplay does not always have to lead to actual sex all the time, it can just buildup for days even if you and your partner engage in sex.

Ghose’s advice is that small communication and body language matters. Communication includes leaving little notes for them to find to bring a smile to their face, butterflies to their stomach and a deep burning desire to see you at home. 

FOREPLAY IS IMPORTANT 

Without foreplay sex is rushed, disoriented, anxious. No actual pleasure derived from this type of sexual interaction. The neglecting of sexual tension and foreplay can stem from the misunderstanding of how it truly affects our experience. Also, the lack of communication plays a huge factor. The fact that we are not talking about sex is terrible for everyone’s sex life. Nobody is a mind reader, how is your partner supposed to know what you want or like? We’ll get to communication in another post.

This orgasm-oriented view on sex is skewed. Why do we have to get down to business right away? There is an ancestral pattern that sex must be done in the dark in secrecy and full of guilt. This is why it is so rushed—whether its conscious or not. We are afraid of enjoying sexual touch.

According to Psychology Today, foreplay important physiologically and psychologically. First, foreplay is more important physiologically for women than it is for men. Sexual arousal for men happens way faster than it does women (Rathus, Nevid, & Fichner-Rathus, Human sexuality in a Changing World, 2018, p. 202). Men can achieve an erection 3 to 8 seconds after stimulation begins, while vaginal lubrication (getting wet) takes 10 to 30 seconds (Rathus et. al., Human sexuality in a Changing World, p. 202).

Psychologically foreplay is stimulating for our human connections and building our intimacy with those we are engaging in it with. Touching and petting arouses feelings of safety and love and brings us closer to real human connection that we inherently crave.

Getting in the Mood 

Okay, like I mentioned communication is key and, we’ll learn more about bettering communication in the next post. There are ways you can spice up your foreplay.

Send that dirty sext to let them know you always want them. 

Take things slow when you are getting ready to have sex.

 Let the tension build while you touch and kiss each other. 

Get one of those dirty dice games.

 Spencer’s has those novelty sex toys for a reason. And that reason is so you can spice up your sex life once and never use it again. Although, you should probably spice it up all the time.

Get all oily, baby, and give your partner a massage. 

I’m sure you can probably think of ways to build your foreplay. Everyone has something they at least want to try. Honestly, foreplay makes sex more enjoyable. If it’s done right it definitely makes the orgasm much, much, much better.

Written by: Julie Cappiello

Julie Cappiello