sexual relations

Sexcapades: ‘Cmon baby, light my fire’

Julie Cappiello
Sexcapades

Foreplay can make or break the entire sexual experience from building tension, to getting in the mood, and finally, engaging in an intimate connection in the bedroom.

If the government really can track us through search histories, texts, and instant messages, mine are definitely self-incriminating. As a writer, especially a sex blogger, I always worry about how my search histories are perceived to the FBI agent lurking behind my screen. I plead the fifth.  Most of the time it’s a cross between sex research, conspiracy theories and aliens. Sometimes they even intersect…just kidding.

Maybe. 

Anyway, let’s talk what gets us hot and heavy. 

Touch My Body 

Is it a look? Oh, you know what look I’m talking about.

Is it a touch or caress? 

A combination of the two acts? 

What the fuck is foreplay? Is it something that happens before sex? When does it start? Is it even important? 

The answer to that last question is 100 percent yes. 

What exactly is foreplay?

Where does foreplay begin and end? 

Does it include oral sex? 

Can foreplay lead to orgasms? 

According to Planned Parenthood, foreplay is a precursor to sexual intercourse and it includes kissing, touching and the sharing of sexual fantasies. In this definition, PP outlines that the purpose of foreplay is to build up sexual excitement and explicitly states that it helps women’s bodies prepare for sex.

Again, the question comes up: when does foreplay begin? 

When I am at the bars and I am flirting with a guy, if I feel the vibes and the sexual tension is strong, I know I am going to ask him to leave with me. The flirting, dancing, light kissing, and touching is the foreplay because I know when we are alone I am ready to get down.

Moushumi Ghose, a licensed therapist specializing in sex and relationship, challenges what society deems as foreplay in a Huff Post article. Honestly, her definition is not much different from the scenario that I described above. Controversially, Ghose says that kissing, oral sex, and manual stimulation should be considered under the umbrella of sex. I wouldn’t necessarily agree that a heavy makeout session on the couch would be considered sex. 

However, Ghose says foreplay is everything else that builds up to the moment of sex: all the innocently, sweet gestures to the spicy sexts. All the sexual thoughts share with your partner is foreplay. What I like that Ghose mentions is foreplay does not always have to lead to actual sex all the time, it can just buildup for days even if you and your partner engage in sex.

Ghose’s advice is that small communication and body language matters. Communication includes leaving little notes for them to find to bring a smile to their face, butterflies to their stomach and a deep burning desire to see you at home. 

FOREPLAY IS IMPORTANT 

Without foreplay sex is rushed, disoriented, anxious. No actual pleasure derived from this type of sexual interaction. The neglecting of sexual tension and foreplay can stem from the misunderstanding of how it truly affects our experience. Also, the lack of communication plays a huge factor. The fact that we are not talking about sex is terrible for everyone’s sex life. Nobody is a mind reader, how is your partner supposed to know what you want or like? We’ll get to communication in another post.

This orgasm-oriented view on sex is skewed. Why do we have to get down to business right away? There is an ancestral pattern that sex must be done in the dark in secrecy and full of guilt. This is why it is so rushed—whether its conscious or not. We are afraid of enjoying sexual touch.

According to Psychology Today, foreplay important physiologically and psychologically. First, foreplay is more important physiologically for women than it is for men. Sexual arousal for men happens way faster than it does women (Rathus, Nevid, & Fichner-Rathus, Human sexuality in a Changing World, 2018, p. 202). Men can achieve an erection 3 to 8 seconds after stimulation begins, while vaginal lubrication (getting wet) takes 10 to 30 seconds (Rathus et. al., Human sexuality in a Changing World, p. 202).

Psychologically foreplay is stimulating for our human connections and building our intimacy with those we are engaging in it with. Touching and petting arouses feelings of safety and love and brings us closer to real human connection that we inherently crave.

Getting in the Mood 

Okay, like I mentioned communication is key and, we’ll learn more about bettering communication in the next post. There are ways you can spice up your foreplay.

Send that dirty sext to let them know you always want them. 

Take things slow when you are getting ready to have sex.

 Let the tension build while you touch and kiss each other. 

Get one of those dirty dice games.

 Spencer’s has those novelty sex toys for a reason. And that reason is so you can spice up your sex life once and never use it again. Although, you should probably spice it up all the time.

Get all oily, baby, and give your partner a massage. 

I’m sure you can probably think of ways to build your foreplay. Everyone has something they at least want to try. Honestly, foreplay makes sex more enjoyable. If it’s done right it definitely makes the orgasm much, much, much better.

Written by: Julie Cappiello

Sexcapades: Booty Werk

Julie Cappiello
Sexcapades

Is it Ass eating Szn?

It’s been a while since I have written for Sexcapades, but finally I am getting back to my passion. The summer has been crazy for me between boys, moving, new jobs and beginnings I couldn’t keep up with my own adventures. I have broken many boundaries and old habits that I never thought I would do in a span of a summer. I have always struggled with admitted my feelings towards those who I like romantically but, I did it. Unlike my past self I did not take it back. Doing this lifted so much weight off of my shoulders and believe it or not allowed me to enjoy my sex life more. After I admitted my feelings I stopped caring about my dating life and being vulnerable because I learned that I was capable of having feelings. It may seem backwards but that I ‘stopped caring’ but it’s more like I learned how to actually go with the flow. At the end of the day, I am coming into my own and I genuinely enjoyed my summer with all of its highs and lows. 

Anyway, I was prompted with an interest adventure during one of my hookups. Butt stuff. Now, this isn’t the first time that I have introduced to the act. 

Flashback to August 2016

A. Finger. In. The. Butt. 

Freshman year Julie went to her first frat party. She met this guy who was a friend of someone in the frat. After a game of flip cup and feeling confident, she struck up a conversation with this handsome stranger which then escalated to dancing, then to kissing followed by touching, On the crowded dance floor, it was then that this mans put his hand down the backside of her pants.

“This is a weird way to go about things,” she thought to herself when it happened.

A. Finger. In. The. Butt. 

2016 Julie shook as can be jumped back, laughed and yelled no butt stuff! 

Though how it may seem very violating, I thought it was quite interesting because I was ready for this make out session to be taken to next level. This was not the level I was thinking, however. 

I have never lived down that story—it is too iconic

I’ve always joked about anal play and expressed possible interest in experimentation. Sex obviously feels different to all individuals and anal sex is no different. There are many ways to engage in sex too, same goes for anal sex. Some sexually active individuals may be afraid to express their desires, fantasies or they may not have the knowledge of the ways they engage in sexual acts. While there have countless references in pop culture about the very taboo act, anal play isn’t really that uncommon. I think the reason why people consider it taboo is that they don’t know how to go about it. There are a lot of misconceptions surrounding anal play and they run deep in society.

There are a couple of things that need to be discussed before engaging in anal play. First, let me mention why I am referring to anal sex acts as anal play. There are a multitude of ways to engage. By using the word ‘play’ I am trying to implant the idea that this act can be enjoyable and inviting. As children we learned and expressed ourselves through playing. It was a release for us, why should that change as we grow up? The same goes for sex, we learn more about ourselves the more we engage.

A Brief History 

According to podcast Secret Pink Closet. by Golden Chidinma said anal sex was founded in ancient cultures like Greece. Here’s a fun fact: bisexuality was very prevalent in a lot of ancient cultures and in early civilizations in Greece, Rome and India Gods were depicted having sexual relations with one another and mortals. In Homer’s Iliad it implied that Achilles and his friend Patroclus were romantically involved. Yes, Achilles did have relationships with women too but the Ancient Greek men were very fluid with their sexuality. Between the third and fifth centuries, the Kama Sutra was written, a manual of Hindu sexual practices (Rathus, Nevid, & Fichner-Rathus, Human sexuality in a Changing World, 2018, p. 13). However, with the spread Christianity throughout the world sexual practices became criminalized, tabooed and shamed. 

Types of Anal Play 

There are many ways one can incorporate anal play into the bedroom. You can use it as the full sexual act itself (anal sex), incorporate it into foreplay or you can dabble with in while you are engaging in sex. 

Anal sex is the act of the penis (or dildo) entering the anus. With proper preparation it can be very stimulating for both the giver and receiver. Again, anyone can engage in anal sex because we all have a butt. Additionally, it can be enjoyable sexually because of the highly sensitive nerve endings in the rectum (Rathus, Nevid, & Fichner-Rathus, Human sexuality in a Changing World, 2018, p. 237). 

If anal sex is too much for you or your partner(s) it can be incorporated as a variation in foreplay. The consenting parties can engage in anilingus also known as rimming, or a rim job. Anilingus is the oral stimulation of the anus. It can be very pleasurable for the consenting parties. Again, starting off slow to help your partner relax and then you can progress once they are ready. In the next step, a finger can be added to the rectum which can heighten the sexual experience because of the nerve endings and the anal sphincters.

For men, fingering can be extremely pleasurable because of the prostate gland located just inside the rectum near the entrance. This can be incorporated during fellacio (blowjobs) or as its own thing. Again, anyone can enjoy anal play. Yes, even straight men. No, it doesn’t make you gay. I’m serious. If it feels good, why deny yourself the pleasure? Some women are into pegging and you are not afraid to abandon your toxic masculinity why not let her take you from behind. If you need more reasons to bend over here are 11 reasons why straight men should try anal play. 

Anal play can come with the incorporation of toys, too. Butt plugs, dildos, and anal beads can be included, but be sure there is a base on it.

The Grocery list for Anal Play 

Test Drive

First, all individuals can engage in anal play no matter their sexual orientation or gender identification. Everyone can enjoy it because everyone has a butt! According to the podcast SWOON: Love Lessons with Julie and Gina, if you want to know if you might enjoy anal play try it when you masturbate.

COMMUNICATION IS KEY

Okay, so you want to engage in anal play. The first step you need to do is communicate with your partner. It’s obvious, no one likes a random finger in the ass. It’s not cool and definitely lacks consent. Also, accidental penetration of the anus with no preparation hurts really bad. Basically, communicate with your partner about all of your desires and fantasies, if you want to have a healthy sex life. After the talk is squared away you can move on. 

Sudsy and Steamy

The next step is to clean yourself up. The anus carries a lot of bacteria because that is where we release all of our waste. Additionally, you can get infections through your rectum by dirty toys and fingers, not to mention oral transmitted bacteria. Water douching may be acceptable for this part but be careful when using chemical douches, they can be harmful.

‘Touch my body’

Foreplay should always be including whether you are engaging in anal play or not because you and partner can relax, set the mood and prepare for the acts to come. According to SWOON, the whole rectum region is prone to stimulation. This stimulation allows for the consenting parties to relax. Possible ways to increase stimulation according to the ladies of SWOON include massages, the use of vibrators, teasing, and rimming (will get to this later).

Protection

Here are some important items you will need. First, lube because there is no gland or way for lubrication to form in your rectum. When engaging in the insertion form lube is a requirement. Saliva will not cut it so invest in a lubricant that you think will help you. The second thing you will need is condoms. If you are engaging in penis-anus type of anal play, you may want to use condoms to protect against bacteria and sexually transmitted infections. Be sure to note the kind of lube you can use with the condoms you are using. 

Getting Down to It

Now you have everything you need to experiment or engage in anal. Your research does not have to stop there the internet is full of sources to walk through anal play. Here’s a reiteration of the important stuff:

Unsure if you like anal, try it when you masturbate.

Talk to your partner to see if they are okay with it. 

Take things slow. 

Remember to breathe. 

Relax and have fun. 

Written by: Julie Cappiello

The Pansexual Panel: Time To Love Yourself!

Jonathan Sotelo
The Pansexual Panel

The Pansexual Panel focuses upon fashion, and alternative means of expressing oneself in this week’s segment.

Today became awkward when the gloom of the rain really seeped into my life and into my consciousness. For one reason or another I became acutely aware of my clothing and how much I hate it. After years of trying to find out what my own Pansexuality meant to me, this must be where I get off. More color! Time to embrace the love I’ve been harboring inside myself.

For years while growing up with my mother constantly doting upon me, she chose every piece of my clothing. The most masculine things she could find with randoms bits of color. What she didn’t realize was all the time spent shopping and offering opinions on women’s clothing and makeup was so incredibly enjoyable. She assumed I was straight and just went about her every day routine and I tagged along for all of it. When I became older and started living on my own, I kept with the utilitarian clothing, often convincing myself that I had chosen them because it made sense.

The truth is none of my clothes make sense anymore. They feel uncomfortable, loose; they’re not the colors that represent me anymore. My sexuality, my preferences, my desires all exist on this ever sliding scale that floats on a spectrum. Balance is key and I’m here to tell you that there isn’t a set standard for anything anymore. I want you to do what ever you damn well please.

Yes this is about being Gay, Queer, Pansexual, about pushing those boundaries. In my early twenties I worried constantly about what people would think of me. What they would thing of my queer lifestyle choices. What I eventually came to find was my happiness grew as my worry about others lessened. To put it bluntly:

Who cares what they think?

I can honestly say people are too wrapped up in their own minds to care if you are wearing bright pastels and combat boots. So go out and do it! The best advice I can offer is if it fits and you like it, then wear it. Sure you might want a certain aesthetic but how the hell do you think new fashions come about? By trying new bold choices and walking around with confidence. Your queer! So why not make every single place you walk a runway in your mind.

Maybe I’m an over dramatic queer, but it sure makes me feel better when I know my fashion, my outward appearance is something all my own, something unique and hardly replicated. So I hope you are feeling comfortable in your own skin, your own clothes. Because it’s the first step to loving who you are and if no one else has said it lately; I want you to know I love you very much.

Written by: Jonathan Sotelo

Sexcapades: The Necessity of Birth Control

Julie Cappiello
Sexcapades

My trials and tribulations on achieving a healthy sex life continue as I journeyed to Planned Parenthood for my birth control implant.

My experience on changing birth control methods:

For the last ten months or so, I’ve been thinking about changing my birth control method. I’ve been on the pill for four years now and I’ve been getting tired of taking a pill every day. In my research I found that hormonal forms of birth control can be linked to depression and autoimmune disease. In high school I struggled with symptoms of depression which increased when I began to take oral contraceptives. Additionally, the maternal side of my family has a history of autoimmune disease. 

Two years ago I had a blood test done and my antinuclear antibodies (ANA)results came back positive. A positive result doesn’t necessarily indicate that I have an autoimmune disease like lupus; healthy people can have a positive result. What it does mean is that antinuclear antibodies are present and being produced. Recently, my younger sister had the same results and this brought some concern to our mom. 

After conducting sufficient research prompting me to change to a non-hormonal IUD, I decide to be proactive and make an appointment at Planned Parenthood. My overall experience with PP and its staff was very pleasant. I was able to make an appointment online and set up text alerts. Shortly after I was contacted by PP and to my surprise they were very inconspicuous on the phone. I didn’t really need them to be, but I appreciated it because not all women have open-minded parents like I do.

On the day of my appointment I was very nervous because I knew after the procedure I would experience ‘mild to moderate’ pain, but I was not prepared for what happened. The nurse practitioner did a short pelvic exam to see the placement of the uterus. This is when the nurse practitioner told me that my cervix was really small and tilted, which may impose complications during insertions. This made me a little more nervous but I wanted to proceed. 

After the pelvic exam, they will prep you by using an instrument to open your cervix then clean your vagina and cervix with an antiseptic solution. Following that they will insert another instrument to measure the depth of your uterus. It is here where you will feel some cramping similar to your period. Finally, they will insert a tube containing the IUD through your vagina into the uterus where it will stay.

On my first attempt, I did not go through with the insertion because the instrument opening my cervix came off. The pain was unbearable, my legs were shaking so bad and I began to blackout. The nurse practitioner told me that is a normal for some women as she removed the instruments from my body. The other woman in the room began to place an ice pack underneath my neck and a hot pack on my lower abdomen.

After a little of resting they asked if I wanted to try again, I said yes still determined to get an IUD. Again there was complications and I didn’t let the nurse practitioner get to insertion. She told me that I can reschedule and take a medication that will dialate me. I declined because I was seriously traumatized and I wanted someone I trusted to be there with me. I left PP in pain and slightly disappointed because I don’t want to be on oral contraceptives anymore nor do I wish to be on synthetic hormones. I went home, cried and took a nap. 

Common Birth Control Methods

There are many ways to be proactive about your sexual health and protect yourself from unplanned pregnancies, diseases and infections. Below are four ways that you too can take control of your sex life. 

The Pill

This oral contraceptive stops the sperm from fertilizing the egg by stopping containing hormones that stop ovulation and thickening the mucus blocking the sperm from reaching the egg in the uterus. It works best when taken around the same time every single day. There are apps like Bedsider that sends you reminders. I have friends who set alarms, whatever works for you just make sure you take it!

FYI: Oral contraceptives do not protect against STIs so use condoms!

 According to PP, even if you use the pill perfectly, it will be 99 percent effective, but since that is not realistic it is about 91 percent effective. Using condoms and the pill together is a perfect combination against the spread of sexually transmitted infections and unwanted pregnancies.

It is important to note that oral contraceptives, like other forms of birth control, are not one size fits all. There are different brands, different doses of hormones, there are combination pills and progestin-only pills. Talk to your gynecologist to see what form of oral contraceptive would be right for you. 

IUDs and Implants

The Implant aka Nexplanon is a little rod that is inserted into your bicep and it releases hormones that prevent pregnancy. It is very low maintenance because it is under the skin and is effective for up to five years. The implant method works similar to the pill, it releases the hormone progestin which thickens the mucus in the cervix and prohibits ovulation. Side effects include spotting, some may experience longer and heavier periods, while most experience short and lighter periods. Pain and bruising maybe a side effect after insertion. 

According to PP, the Intrauterine Device (IUD) is the one most effective birth control out right now. Currently, there are five FDA approved brands: Paragard, Mirena, Kyleena, Liletta, and Skyla. The IUD can be hormonal or non-hormonal. Paragard the only non-hormonal IUD is wrapped in copper that prevents pregnancy for up to 12 years. Since there are no hormones, Paragard does not interfere with your natural cycle and ovulation and it does not increase cervical mucus. Paragard can also be used as an emergency contraceptive if inserted within five days of unprotected sex. There are some side effects of IUDs that included cramps and backaches, worse period symptoms and heavier periods(Paragard), spotting between periods and irregular periods.

And for those who haven’t heard: both implants and IUDs do not protect against STIs and HIV so use condoms! 

Condoms

Condoms are probably the most commonly known and popular forms of birth control methods. They prevent pregnancies and lower risk of contracting STIs. They come in a variety of forms liked lubricated or non-lubricated, some contain spermicide (do not use for oral or anal sex), some do not contain spermicide, latex and non-latex (my personal fave because I’m allergic). Spermicide contains chemicals that stop sperm from moving, therefore spermicide condoms are lubricated with it. Spermicide condoms may cause irritation to some men and women so you may want opt for another type. Be wary of the types of lubricants you use because they may cause certain types of condoms — like latex — to break.

Emergency Contraceptives

Emergency contraceptives can stop a pregnancy before it starts and can usually be taken up to five days following unprotected sex. However, the sooner, the better. It is extremely important to note; emergency contraceptives are NOTabortion pills.  There are four types of emergency contraceptives, one I already mentioned (see IUDs). 

Ella is a new form of emergency contraceptives in the United States that blocks the hormones involved in contraception. It comes in a one pill pack and it is most effective within the first 24 hours of unprotected sex when conception of pregnancy is at its highest. Ella does not decrease fertility or cause infertility. It is only intended for one-time use so if you want to have unprotected sex again, I would suggest using condoms or change your birth control method. Ella is available at family planning clinics like PP, campus health centers and in certain states your local pharmacists can prescribe Ella to you (California is one of them!).

Plan B is probably the most commonly knownemergency contraceptive. Plan B is a one pill, progestin-only emergency contraceptive (reminder: progestin delays or stops ovulation). It has the same ingredients as birth control just at higher doses. This emergency contraceptive also does not decrease fertility, so when you are ready to have a baby you are free to do so. Plan B is not an abortion pill either and does not protect you from HIV and STDs. Some women found after taking Plan B they saw changes in their period that include spotting or bleeding. However, it is recommended that you take a pregnancy test if you miss your period. 

According to Bedsider,the Yuzpe method is an emergency contraceptive method that dates back to ‘70s. In this method, certain everyday birth control pills can be taken in two doses 12 hours apart to decrease the risk of fertilization. It most effective within the first 72 hours of unprotected sex. Women who use this method may feel nauseous and some may vomit, it is suggested to take the pills with food. Since you are taking an increased amount of your everyday birth control pills you are going to want to talk your doctor about what to do to get back on your regular schedule. 

Take Control of Your Sex Life

If you are curious about other forms of birth control or want more information on the ones, I listed above that my go to websites are Planned Parenthood and Besider. Overall, I think birth control and safe sex practices are really important to a healthy, enjoyable and chaos free sex life. I wish I was taught more forms of birth control growing up and in high school. One of my greatest hopes for this world is the incorporation of realistic safe sex practices in our education system. As a youth leader in an after school program for middle schoolers, I’ve noticed that sexual education is not a part of curriculum. It deeply concerns me that some of these teens are engaging in sex without knowing the risks and ways to prevent these risks. Another one of my greatest hopes is access to realistic sex education programs and access to birth control methods.

Written by: Julie Cappiello
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