Sunflower Seeds: My Dating Life

Casual dating is exhausting in today’s day and age. I’m an extremely busy woman and I just don’t have time to take on another headache. 

People in modern society seem to be using dating apps for their love lives. I know plenty of men and women who have met their significant other online because they were “hooking up” and after a few months they figured out they liked them. I question this and wonder if the relationship came out of convenience or actual desire for one another. I believe you should live your life how you want and in whatever ways, but I’m just not into the whole idea of this dating apocalypse. 

However, I plead guilty. I have used dating apps from time to time and still consider downloading them when I want attention, but I’d like to think I will meet someone the old-fashioned way. A few weeks ago, I met a guy on a night out. He was attractive, charming, and very polite. The next day he took me out to breakfast at a darling little place on the beach. We spent the day watching dolphins and shared a few innocent kisses. It was merely a weekend fling, but it was refreshing meeting someone without swiping. 

Out of the few boys I met from Tinder I’d say that maybe only one of them was worth my time, and the rest turned out to be horror stories. I’m happy I got out of my comfort zone to meet them, but never again! I do consider my love life to be puzzling, for I don’t really know what I want. For example, one time I thought I was in love with a guy I was fooling around with, but it was just my libido talking.

I think it would be nice to have someone for sappy holidays like Valentine’s Day, or to reach for a soup can on the top shelf, but that’s about it if we’re being honest. I change my mind nearly 1,000 times a day, and I find myself getting bored with people after a few months, so I just don’t know if I could sustain a relationship at this point in my life. I have nothing against one, but I’m very much an independent woman.  

When I was in New York, an older man approached me and told me “you are a beautiful girl, don’t ever limit yourself,” and then proceeded to walk away. At first, I thought it was sweet and a bit strange, but then it resonated with me. I know its cheesy to say, but the world is your oyster. There is so much to do and see, so why limit yourself? I’m not saying that a significant other will tie you down, but I think it is very important to grow on your own. 

I am so happy and grateful for all the experiences I have had. From those experiences I feel like I was able to mature, figure out what I like and don’t like, and get to know myself better. I have a tremendous amount of love and support from my friends and family, and I am just focused on those relationships at the moment. Samantha Jones once said, “I love you, but I love me more,” and she couldn’t have said it better. 

Sexcapades: You Should Have Shameless Sex!

An Introduction to Sexcapades:

Let me start my sex blog by saying this: I love to talk about sex. I don’t mind talking about sex, sex education, sex positions, sex toys, sex kinks; if it’s a good story I’ll listen. Even among my friends, I’m always the first to bring up my latest sexcapades. I have a few iconic stories that really solidified me as being sexually open; we’ll get to some of those later. I just have one request for my readers: be open-minded.  Please, don’t shame people for whatever type of sex they do or don’t have.

Speaking of shame, I was re-watching Big Mouth (If you haven’t watched it by now, what are you doing?) recently. In the episode titled “The Shame Wizard,” Andrew confides in his Rabbi about his shame in masturbation. The Rabbi tells Andrew to talk to the Catholics about shame. That line really stopped me in my tracks. If you know me, you know I am not religious and that I wasn’t raised that way. However, my parents and grandparents were raised Catholic.

My Shame:

In my teen years, I can recall a few sexual encounters where I felt shameful. There was the time sophomore year of high school where I vigorously made out with a senior at a party. Another time where I made out with that senior’s cousin in my friend’s boyfriend’s basement. And, the time I gave my first blowjob.

Sophomore year was a real sexual awakening time for me. It was a very fundamental time for me, my sex life and figuring our who I was. I felt like every coming of age girl should: powerful, sexy, strong, sometimes insecure and, of course, shame. I don’t understand why sex needs to have a blanket of shame that weighs over it. Yet, we’ve all felt it. Is sex shameful because of religion, is it the way we were raised, the society we live in or the media depictions that we are bombarded with?

I think the reason why I feel shame toward sex is from an ancestral pattern I inherited from my maternal lineage. My grandparents grew up in a time where sex was a taboo discussion. During that time, people only had sex to reproduce. Today, we have this hook up culture where we crave a no strings attached engagement.

Additionally on that side of the family is history of sexual trauma, or in other words, abuse. Not to mention, one of my great-aunts was forced into the convent because her parents thought she was promiscuous. Therefore, one could suggest that shame runs in the family.

My Triumph Over Shame:

Patterns like this influenced the way my siblings and I were taught about sex. Don’t get me wrong, I was taught proper sex education. Yet, I felt like I was bad for having these unspoken urges, like, I was deviant. As I matured, became self-aware and sexually awakened I tried different ways to break my ancestral pattern. This is one of those ways, writing about sex for the world to read. Similar to a modern day Carrie Bradshaw, but minus the city (though I miss it, dearly) and less fashionable outfits.

Another way I continue to break my shameful sex pattern, is being open and unapologetic for the way I am. Why should I be sorry for the way I present myself. Bobby Brown said it right, “I see nothing wrong, spreading myself around.” It is me being my authentic self. I am not trying to gloat that I have so much sex—I definitely don’t—but I don’t mind talking about it. It is a part of who I am. If talking about sex or your sex life is not for you, rock on, my dude.

Biology says its normal:

Say this to yourself: “My reason for shame does not define me!” Now scream it! You should not feel gross or guilty immediately after engaging a sexual activity. It should not make you feel that way — it should be consensual, and a time where you feel the most in your body. Your sexuality and sexual-ness makes you human.

We’ve all learned in biology that sex is natural, or at least seen some Planet Earth episodes where the animals have sex. The male bird makes a specific sound to attract mates, the Baboon presents its butt, female dogs go into heat; whatever it is, animals “do it” too. Bonobo chimpanzees and dolphins have sex for pleasure, just like humans. If the animal kingdom is having their cake and eating it too, why should humans forbid others from doing it?

Parting words:

I know it seems like I am asking more questions than answering them, but I want you to think about it for yourself. How do you feel about your sex life? Do you enjoy it? Do you feel shame? Do you feel powerful? I like to reflect every so often about my recent sexual experiences. I don’t think all sex has to be a casual, one-night-stand. Nor do I think that all sex has must between two people in a committed relationship. It is totally up to you about how you go about your sex life. Make sure it’s safe, consensual, mind-blowing and—of course— shameless.

Soundtrack to Dating: Best and Worst Date Stories

Soundtrack to Dating

Sound serves as one of the most important aspects to memory. In particular, songs help mark memorable moments in our lives, especially when it comes to dating.

The idea of songs and love together isn’t a new one. For as far as we can remember, after we had all started putting our tendrils into the sticky situation otherwise known as love, we would oftentimes ask each other “what’s your song?” Even today, couples put significance on the song most representative of a particular moment within their relationship. A “Soundtrack to Dating” if you will. And sometimes, after the relationship has soured, or after a particularly nasty incident, that song is forever ruined in the person’s mind. With that being said, in the spirit of Valentine’s Day, we asked members of KCR what songs they would include in their soundtrack to dating. Or, more specifically, we asked them what songs represent their best and worst dates, and why. Below are their stories.

The Best of the Soundtrack to Dating:

The Sound – The 1975

This song takes me back to my high school days, driving around downtown Seattle with my friends. The 1975 connected me with friends that I will have for a lifetime, and every time I re-listen to their first album, I am transported to my grunge days in the rainy city. This song, however, is off their second album and I will always remember the first time I heard it. I won a concert through a local radio station to meet the entire band, ask them questions, and hear a preview of their second album. As I sat next to my best friend (whom I had met at the very first 1975 concert), with the band sitting directly in front of me, I remember feeling euphoric in ways I can’t describe.

-Brittany Roache

Cherry Wine – Born Ruffians

This song takes me back to hanging out in my boyfriend’s bedroom, staring into each other’s eyes. I’m so serious. We do that sometimes. No talking, just staring. Uber romantic. 10/10 would recommend. And this is the perfect background song when you want to feel young and in love, but not sappy and tender.

-Monica Vigil

In My Dreams – Kali Uchis

I went on a date with a close friend of mine and while we did not end up dating, it felt like such a perfect date with no problems. This song comes to mind whenever I look back at how nice it felt having that date & remembering the friendship I have with that person now.

-Sofia Gomez

Baby I’m Bleeding – JPEGMAFIA

Okay, this one is a bit unconventional, so bear with me. One of my favorite dates was with someone who I never saw again. We met up for tacos and it felt like we really hit it off. As I’m walking her to her car, we decide let’s go to Target “for fun.” And so, we raced each other to the closest Target (for the sake of integrity, I’ll just say that I won), and then explored. After we finished, I jokingly said, “you know there’s more than one Target we can go to.” We drove probably 15 miles going to three different Targets, just wandering around and laughing. When we finally tired of that, I suggested tea from a place I loved. Unfortunately, I forgot the name of the spot, and took us to a spot I’d never been before. The tea was good at least, and we spent another couple hours talking. Afterwards, we decided to walk around. I revealed that I like to (badly) rap/sing, and for whatever reason, chose this song to demonstrate to her. I don’t think she was impressed, but I at least had the decency to censor myself throughout. She (a very pasty white girl), on the other hand, didn’t have that same filter, and instead dropped the N-word a couple of times in whatever song she decided to sing. When I kissed her goodbye, that was it. No sparks, no chemistry. It was awkward, and we never saw each other again. But in all honesty, ignoring that random act of racism and just lackluster ending, the rest of that date was really nice.

-Peter Swan

The Worst of the Soundtrack to Dating:

Cocaine – FIDLAR

The worst date I’ve ever been on was a second date that occurred two months after the first. Maybe that should’ve been a red flag. It started off okay at a karaoke bar in North Park, so we decided to head down the street to Coin Op. As we sat among the retro arcade games, things began to rapidly deteriorate. It all stemmed from me jokingly calling myself boring. That’s when he asked if I wanted to do cocaine. At Coin Op. On a Tuesday. I declined and it was all downhill from there. He said I seemed like the cliché of a girl who needs to get out of her shell. He said I should act more interested in people if I want to be interesting. He said it didn’t seem like I was having a good time. Shockingly, I wasn’t having a good time. Despite all of this mildly traumatizing psychoanalysis, I stuck around and even let him drive me home. Sometimes you just don’t want to pay for a Lyft.

-Andrea Renney

The Climb Miley Cyrus

I went hiking with a guy and it was a very intense hike. I was out of breath the whole time and it was almost impossible to keep a conversation, so I associate that song with that date.

-Nina Capuani

Paralyzer – Finger Eleven

If there is one piece of advice you take from this piece of modern literature, it’s to NEVER date a girl who works at a Harley Davidson dealership. About a year ago I was in a relationship with one of these aforementioned dames and on this particular occasion she decided to invite me to a party at her work. I was really excited at the time because I thought it would be a great chance to meet some of the people who were close to her, but as I was soon to find out, these were not the kind of people I was going to be fond of. Due to the nature of the dealership, the party was filled to the brim with biker gangs who all found my girlfriend pretty attractive. While this is usually a positive scenario, it seems to me that being in a gang sort of means the boundaries of being a decent human being get a bit blurry. The whole night I was walking around with my date, these kind gentlemen would stop by to slap her ass and flirt with her, right in front of me, the worst part being she was laughing and flirting back all the while. I even brought up to her how strange it all was and she said this behavior was commonplace at Harley parties. She had a great time. I did not. Worst date ever.

-Anonymous

Just a Friend – Biz Markie

We had only been on a few dates, but just by hearing the title of the song, you can probably guess where our relationship headed. The way the song is performed through vocals and instrumental as well as the lyrics brings me back exactly to when I hung out with this girl before and during college. Meanwhile, the chorus of the song is something I, and likely many others, can chant for days. Because of how relatable this song is, and how well performed it is, this remains one of my favorite songs to this day, even if it reminds me of a really lame time in my life.

-Christian Scognamillo

Kiss Me Thru the Phone – Soulja Boy

Once I was on a date at a bar with a guy I thought was too straight laced and boring, like a bran muffin in human form. And then this song came on and he said “oh this is that song by super boy.” SUPER BOY! Needless to say, I got out of there ASAP.

-Sarah Anderson

4 Your Eyez Only – J Cole

I know this is cheating but I once had sex to J Cole’s “4 Your Eyez Only” album. I was given the options of that or Led Zepplin (I love led Zepplin and I was not trying sully that love) so I chose J Cole. That was the one and only time I ever listened to that album. The only good thing I could say about that album is that it lasted longer than the guy, but trust me, before I left the album hadn’t finished, and neither had I.

-Julie Cappiello

Written by: Peter Swan