sexual encounters

Sexcapades: ‘Cmon baby, light my fire’

Julie Cappiello
Sexcapades

Foreplay can make or break the entire sexual experience from building tension, to getting in the mood, and finally, engaging in an intimate connection in the bedroom.

If the government really can track us through search histories, texts, and instant messages, mine are definitely self-incriminating. As a writer, especially a sex blogger, I always worry about how my search histories are perceived to the FBI agent lurking behind my screen. I plead the fifth.  Most of the time it’s a cross between sex research, conspiracy theories and aliens. Sometimes they even intersect…just kidding.

Maybe. 

Anyway, let’s talk what gets us hot and heavy. 

Touch My Body 

Is it a look? Oh, you know what look I’m talking about.

Is it a touch or caress? 

A combination of the two acts? 

What the fuck is foreplay? Is it something that happens before sex? When does it start? Is it even important? 

The answer to that last question is 100 percent yes. 

What exactly is foreplay?

Where does foreplay begin and end? 

Does it include oral sex? 

Can foreplay lead to orgasms? 

According to Planned Parenthood, foreplay is a precursor to sexual intercourse and it includes kissing, touching and the sharing of sexual fantasies. In this definition, PP outlines that the purpose of foreplay is to build up sexual excitement and explicitly states that it helps women’s bodies prepare for sex.

Again, the question comes up: when does foreplay begin? 

When I am at the bars and I am flirting with a guy, if I feel the vibes and the sexual tension is strong, I know I am going to ask him to leave with me. The flirting, dancing, light kissing, and touching is the foreplay because I know when we are alone I am ready to get down.

Moushumi Ghose, a licensed therapist specializing in sex and relationship, challenges what society deems as foreplay in a Huff Post article. Honestly, her definition is not much different from the scenario that I described above. Controversially, Ghose says that kissing, oral sex, and manual stimulation should be considered under the umbrella of sex. I wouldn’t necessarily agree that a heavy makeout session on the couch would be considered sex. 

However, Ghose says foreplay is everything else that builds up to the moment of sex: all the innocently, sweet gestures to the spicy sexts. All the sexual thoughts share with your partner is foreplay. What I like that Ghose mentions is foreplay does not always have to lead to actual sex all the time, it can just buildup for days even if you and your partner engage in sex.

Ghose’s advice is that small communication and body language matters. Communication includes leaving little notes for them to find to bring a smile to their face, butterflies to their stomach and a deep burning desire to see you at home. 

FOREPLAY IS IMPORTANT 

Without foreplay sex is rushed, disoriented, anxious. No actual pleasure derived from this type of sexual interaction. The neglecting of sexual tension and foreplay can stem from the misunderstanding of how it truly affects our experience. Also, the lack of communication plays a huge factor. The fact that we are not talking about sex is terrible for everyone’s sex life. Nobody is a mind reader, how is your partner supposed to know what you want or like? We’ll get to communication in another post.

This orgasm-oriented view on sex is skewed. Why do we have to get down to business right away? There is an ancestral pattern that sex must be done in the dark in secrecy and full of guilt. This is why it is so rushed—whether its conscious or not. We are afraid of enjoying sexual touch.

According to Psychology Today, foreplay important physiologically and psychologically. First, foreplay is more important physiologically for women than it is for men. Sexual arousal for men happens way faster than it does women (Rathus, Nevid, & Fichner-Rathus, Human sexuality in a Changing World, 2018, p. 202). Men can achieve an erection 3 to 8 seconds after stimulation begins, while vaginal lubrication (getting wet) takes 10 to 30 seconds (Rathus et. al., Human sexuality in a Changing World, p. 202).

Psychologically foreplay is stimulating for our human connections and building our intimacy with those we are engaging in it with. Touching and petting arouses feelings of safety and love and brings us closer to real human connection that we inherently crave.

Getting in the Mood 

Okay, like I mentioned communication is key and, we’ll learn more about bettering communication in the next post. There are ways you can spice up your foreplay.

Send that dirty sext to let them know you always want them. 

Take things slow when you are getting ready to have sex.

 Let the tension build while you touch and kiss each other. 

Get one of those dirty dice games.

 Spencer’s has those novelty sex toys for a reason. And that reason is so you can spice up your sex life once and never use it again. Although, you should probably spice it up all the time.

Get all oily, baby, and give your partner a massage. 

I’m sure you can probably think of ways to build your foreplay. Everyone has something they at least want to try. Honestly, foreplay makes sex more enjoyable. If it’s done right it definitely makes the orgasm much, much, much better.

Written by: Julie Cappiello

Sexcapades: Booty Werk

Julie Cappiello
Sexcapades

Is it Ass eating Szn?

It’s been a while since I have written for Sexcapades, but finally I am getting back to my passion. The summer has been crazy for me between boys, moving, new jobs and beginnings I couldn’t keep up with my own adventures. I have broken many boundaries and old habits that I never thought I would do in a span of a summer. I have always struggled with admitted my feelings towards those who I like romantically but, I did it. Unlike my past self I did not take it back. Doing this lifted so much weight off of my shoulders and believe it or not allowed me to enjoy my sex life more. After I admitted my feelings I stopped caring about my dating life and being vulnerable because I learned that I was capable of having feelings. It may seem backwards but that I ‘stopped caring’ but it’s more like I learned how to actually go with the flow. At the end of the day, I am coming into my own and I genuinely enjoyed my summer with all of its highs and lows. 

Anyway, I was prompted with an interest adventure during one of my hookups. Butt stuff. Now, this isn’t the first time that I have introduced to the act. 

Flashback to August 2016

A. Finger. In. The. Butt. 

Freshman year Julie went to her first frat party. She met this guy who was a friend of someone in the frat. After a game of flip cup and feeling confident, she struck up a conversation with this handsome stranger which then escalated to dancing, then to kissing followed by touching, On the crowded dance floor, it was then that this mans put his hand down the backside of her pants.

“This is a weird way to go about things,” she thought to herself when it happened.

A. Finger. In. The. Butt. 

2016 Julie shook as can be jumped back, laughed and yelled no butt stuff! 

Though how it may seem very violating, I thought it was quite interesting because I was ready for this make out session to be taken to next level. This was not the level I was thinking, however. 

I have never lived down that story—it is too iconic

I’ve always joked about anal play and expressed possible interest in experimentation. Sex obviously feels different to all individuals and anal sex is no different. There are many ways to engage in sex too, same goes for anal sex. Some sexually active individuals may be afraid to express their desires, fantasies or they may not have the knowledge of the ways they engage in sexual acts. While there have countless references in pop culture about the very taboo act, anal play isn’t really that uncommon. I think the reason why people consider it taboo is that they don’t know how to go about it. There are a lot of misconceptions surrounding anal play and they run deep in society.

There are a couple of things that need to be discussed before engaging in anal play. First, let me mention why I am referring to anal sex acts as anal play. There are a multitude of ways to engage. By using the word ‘play’ I am trying to implant the idea that this act can be enjoyable and inviting. As children we learned and expressed ourselves through playing. It was a release for us, why should that change as we grow up? The same goes for sex, we learn more about ourselves the more we engage.

A Brief History 

According to podcast Secret Pink Closet. by Golden Chidinma said anal sex was founded in ancient cultures like Greece. Here’s a fun fact: bisexuality was very prevalent in a lot of ancient cultures and in early civilizations in Greece, Rome and India Gods were depicted having sexual relations with one another and mortals. In Homer’s Iliad it implied that Achilles and his friend Patroclus were romantically involved. Yes, Achilles did have relationships with women too but the Ancient Greek men were very fluid with their sexuality. Between the third and fifth centuries, the Kama Sutra was written, a manual of Hindu sexual practices (Rathus, Nevid, & Fichner-Rathus, Human sexuality in a Changing World, 2018, p. 13). However, with the spread Christianity throughout the world sexual practices became criminalized, tabooed and shamed. 

Types of Anal Play 

There are many ways one can incorporate anal play into the bedroom. You can use it as the full sexual act itself (anal sex), incorporate it into foreplay or you can dabble with in while you are engaging in sex. 

Anal sex is the act of the penis (or dildo) entering the anus. With proper preparation it can be very stimulating for both the giver and receiver. Again, anyone can engage in anal sex because we all have a butt. Additionally, it can be enjoyable sexually because of the highly sensitive nerve endings in the rectum (Rathus, Nevid, & Fichner-Rathus, Human sexuality in a Changing World, 2018, p. 237). 

If anal sex is too much for you or your partner(s) it can be incorporated as a variation in foreplay. The consenting parties can engage in anilingus also known as rimming, or a rim job. Anilingus is the oral stimulation of the anus. It can be very pleasurable for the consenting parties. Again, starting off slow to help your partner relax and then you can progress once they are ready. In the next step, a finger can be added to the rectum which can heighten the sexual experience because of the nerve endings and the anal sphincters.

For men, fingering can be extremely pleasurable because of the prostate gland located just inside the rectum near the entrance. This can be incorporated during fellacio (blowjobs) or as its own thing. Again, anyone can enjoy anal play. Yes, even straight men. No, it doesn’t make you gay. I’m serious. If it feels good, why deny yourself the pleasure? Some women are into pegging and you are not afraid to abandon your toxic masculinity why not let her take you from behind. If you need more reasons to bend over here are 11 reasons why straight men should try anal play. 

Anal play can come with the incorporation of toys, too. Butt plugs, dildos, and anal beads can be included, but be sure there is a base on it.

The Grocery list for Anal Play 

Test Drive

First, all individuals can engage in anal play no matter their sexual orientation or gender identification. Everyone can enjoy it because everyone has a butt! According to the podcast SWOON: Love Lessons with Julie and Gina, if you want to know if you might enjoy anal play try it when you masturbate.

COMMUNICATION IS KEY

Okay, so you want to engage in anal play. The first step you need to do is communicate with your partner. It’s obvious, no one likes a random finger in the ass. It’s not cool and definitely lacks consent. Also, accidental penetration of the anus with no preparation hurts really bad. Basically, communicate with your partner about all of your desires and fantasies, if you want to have a healthy sex life. After the talk is squared away you can move on. 

Sudsy and Steamy

The next step is to clean yourself up. The anus carries a lot of bacteria because that is where we release all of our waste. Additionally, you can get infections through your rectum by dirty toys and fingers, not to mention oral transmitted bacteria. Water douching may be acceptable for this part but be careful when using chemical douches, they can be harmful.

‘Touch my body’

Foreplay should always be including whether you are engaging in anal play or not because you and partner can relax, set the mood and prepare for the acts to come. According to SWOON, the whole rectum region is prone to stimulation. This stimulation allows for the consenting parties to relax. Possible ways to increase stimulation according to the ladies of SWOON include massages, the use of vibrators, teasing, and rimming (will get to this later).

Protection

Here are some important items you will need. First, lube because there is no gland or way for lubrication to form in your rectum. When engaging in the insertion form lube is a requirement. Saliva will not cut it so invest in a lubricant that you think will help you. The second thing you will need is condoms. If you are engaging in penis-anus type of anal play, you may want to use condoms to protect against bacteria and sexually transmitted infections. Be sure to note the kind of lube you can use with the condoms you are using. 

Getting Down to It

Now you have everything you need to experiment or engage in anal. Your research does not have to stop there the internet is full of sources to walk through anal play. Here’s a reiteration of the important stuff:

Unsure if you like anal, try it when you masturbate.

Talk to your partner to see if they are okay with it. 

Take things slow. 

Remember to breathe. 

Relax and have fun. 

Written by: Julie Cappiello

The Pansexual Panel: Group Sex and Polyamory

Jonathan Sotelo
The Pansexual Panel

Group sex, polyamory, and most importantly, taking care of yourself is the core message of the latest issue of The Pansexual Panel.

Let’s all collectively admit that people are giving polyamory a bad name by slapping it on every instance of group sex and calling it a day. Okay, now let’s take a step back and really dig into what the heck I’m talking about. Just the other day a question threw me for a loop; how do people even get into a situation were multiple people want to have sex with you?

It’s a fair question. And on my part, all the situations I’ve ended up in before just happened naturally. Not to say some didn’t have a few kinks (no pun intended) to work out. But to be perfectly honest it was more of a “right time, right place” kind of situation. Before delving into the topic, it should be noted that when polyamory is done right, when everyone is open and honest about their needs and wants, it works really well. It does require that you put out a lot more effort, but the payoff is almost always worth it.

And for the uninitiated: “Polyamory is the practice of, or desire for, intimate relationships with more than one partner, with the consent of all partners involved.”

Let’s assume for this round that you are in fact looking to get into a sexual encounter with multiple people at the same time. Well good for you! Most people feel weird about sex in general but here you are wanting to dive head first into sexual exploration. My first instinct is to over plan, so definitely do not do that. However, this doesn’t mean you should skip expectations and limits. That’s right: LIMITS! Just because it’s a more open group doesn’t mean you have to compromise something. Establish these rules before moving forward and people will know you are serious about your boundaries.

Safety should always stick at the top of the list, both mentally and physically. Are you sexually active? Then get tested every 6 months to a year, or better yet, every 3-6 months. As long as you are making yourself top priority, you can literally do anything you like. Oftentimes people will try to rain on your parade and limit what you do; don’t let them! That message is especially directed towards femmes and ladies: slut shaming isn’t cool, “dude,” and I’m here to tell you that everyone else is just JEALOUS. That’s right, full on Jelly!

But all in all, if you want more legitimate information about sex in general check out the book: The Guide to Getting It On by Paul-Joannides

This book changed my life when I first read it 8 years ago, and I sure hope it gets you started down a road of sexual positivity. Until next time, enjoy your sex and make sure you don’t compromise your comfort for some else’s pleasure.

Written by: Jonathan Sotelo

Sexcapades: Losing Your Virginity Is Not Magical

Julie Cappiello
Sexcapades

Don’t believe what they say – losing your virginity is the stuff of nightmares.

In my sexual awakening sophomore year of high school, one of my friends was dating a senior, whom she lost her virginity to. She described her first time as if fireworks and confetti shot out of his penis. While other girls awed, blushed and clasped their hands in excitement and slight embarrassment by the word ‘sex.’ I skeptically sat there contemplating if your first time is really a big deal.

From that moment I began imagine how I’d like my first time go down. I didn’t want it to be with someone I was dating, I didn’t even want it to special or good for that matter. Well, I inherently knew it wasn’t going to be good. I just really wanted to get it over with. I felt like there would plenty of more times for improvement and fireworks.

There Will Be Blood: My virginity story

As junior prom approached, my mother (who must have picked up my thoughts on becoming more sexually active) put me on birth control. A very smart, progressive and rational decision on her part. At the time I was talking to this boy C.P.* who I somewhat liked but at the same time I felt like it wasn’t a right fit. We had been sort of talking, we’d hang out sometimes, text and snapchat all the time. We were both virgins and were thinking about “losing it” to each other during prom weekend.

I’m violently vomiting everywhere at the fact I wrote the phrase, “losing it.”

If you don’t know what prom weekend is, it’s the weekend following prom where juniors and seniors from the high school rent motel rooms at the infamous Anchor Motel in Seaside Heights, NJ. Long story short that is not what ended up happening. It was the second night and there was a bunch of people in my room. One of the people was this kid who I know from sports, Pete, * and he was flirting with me. A close friend of mine noticed the flirting and being a good wing-woman ushered people out of the room as he disappeared to the bathroom. When he emerged, I was alone and shaking because I didn’t know what to do. He looked a bit puzzled and I was hoping he couldn’t see the anxiety in my face. It all happened so fast, but the only thing that came out of my mouth was, “I don’t know where everyone went, but do you want to take more shots with me?”

One thing lead to another and we ended up having sex. Well sort of, his penis barely went in and it hurt so bad. The only thing on my mind was that I couldn’t believe I actually manifested this whole experience. It was exactly how I wanted it to go down! Shout out to my fairy Godmother looking out for me.I wanted to be daring for my first time so I decided to get on top but, when I looked down there was so much fucking blood. In my dramatic mind it looked like a murder scene.

I should have been mortified but all I did was laugh. Like hysterically laugh because something was bound to go wrong. Pete immediately rushed to my aide and asked if I was okay. I was fine and all I really wanted to do at that point was take a shower and get drunk more with my friends. When I came out he was still in my room, and I was all shook because I’d thought he’d bounce. Nope, he was still there, which I guess was kind of nice. I honestly don’t know how but we ended up cuddling and falling asleep? Yeah, it was weird and then my friends ended up kicking him out, which is hilarious. Love them, thanks guys.

It was actually in this point in time where I learned I hate cuddling, especially with someone I don’t even like!

Anyway, that’s my virginity story, it wasn’t magical, there were no firework but, of course, there was blood.

Submissions from unsatisfied women, I’m so sorry ladies.

Part of the reason why I started this blog was to give people a form and open a door for people to talk about the kind of sex they have. I create a submission form which I sent out to my close friends who then sent it to their friends. I was really nervous that I was going to no response but I ended up getting a few. These brave souls shared their embarrassing and hilarious first time stories, so I’ll let them have the floor now.

Happy Birthday Mom! From Small Dick Epsilon

“I came into college as a virgin and for some reason I thought it would be a good idea to download tinder. So, I match with this guy and we talk and plan to hang out. He bailed like five times so, clearly, he’s a fuckboy. Eighteen-year-old, virgin me was determined to meet up with him. We finally meet up for the first time, I drove forty-five minutes to see him. He takes me to his frat, no dinner, nothing! We literally said five words to each other and then fucked. Worst three minutes of my life, no foreplay or anything! He stuck his four-inch penis in my dry, tight-ass, virgin vag. It hurt like a bitch. So, I sleep over and the next day we get Chipotle. He really tried to make me pay for myself, I said to the woman ringing us up ‘oh we’re together.’ Like you really want me to pay for myself after you stuck your small dick inside me all last night? Not. A. Chance. Basically, my first time having sex was not like they make it seem in the movies. I was in a crusty, ugly, rude ass fuck boy’s room losing my virginity…on my MOM’S BIRTHDAY.  In a frat house nonetheless. Worst daughter in the world.” -Anonymous

Oh, Gravity is working against me

“So sophomore year in high school I had sex with this man-child who had better hair products than me. Basically, he turned on John Mayer’s Gravity and attempted to put on a condom. Five minutes go by, he’s still struggling to put on this fucking condom and I’m lying there like a dead fish. All while contemplating my life. Even better, I guess he specifically wanted to lose his virginity to that song so when it ended (he was trying to put the condom on) he frantically grabbed his phone to replay it. When he finally got the condom on he struggled for another ten minutes trying to get his dick in me. He had to be in me for at the most five seconds. It ended with me saying ‘did we even have sex,’ probably not the thing a guy wants to hear. Whatever dodged a bullet on that one because he ended up lying about his dad having terminal cancer to break up with me.” – Anonymous

Parting Words           

First times like first impressions can be tough. If you spend so much time trying to make it perfect, then you’ll end up hyping it in your head and being really disappointed when it doesn’t happen the way you want it. Just be natural and go with the flow, it’s not that big of a deal. I believe that when you find that right person you want to settle down with, that is all the magic and fireworks you need. Until then, keep on fuckin’.

If you have a funny, enlightening or educational sex piece that you’d like to submit, fill out this form.

Written by: Julie Cappiello
*All of names for this story have been changed from privacy reasons.
*Submissions stories were formatted to have correct grammar, spelling, punctuation and were edited to have a readable flow. Submissions were asked to be labelled anonymous by participants.