sexcapades

Sexcapades: ‘Tell me what you want / what you really, really want.’

Julie Cappiello
Sexcapades

Creating an environment for open communication seems like a daunting and not so simple task, but these tips can help you take the first step towards a healthy and happy relationship.

I’ve been teasing this topic for quite some time and it’s about time that we finally got down to it. 

In my research of my previous topics like anal play and foreplay I learned the common denominator is communication. How we communicate our wants, needs, expectations, desires, fantasy is key role in our relationships. Without communication none of these can be met which can lead to the downfall of a relationship because none of the partners are happy. 

It is not just in the bedroom where communication is important but it also lies within the core of a relationship. Communicating your expectations for your partner can lead to a more fulfilling relationship. Talking about your personal goals, aspirations, and how your relationship fits into them allows you and your partner to figure out how you can help one another achieve them.

Have you ever been unsure on how to confront a partner about feelings of insecurity? What about suspicion of infidelity? Or the horrifying ‘what are we talk?’ Effective and good communication skills are the core of these conversations. This generation of texting, social media, hook up culture gets all too confusing. We want a relationship but we hate labels; we want to ‘go with the flow’ but our inherent need a definitive answer gets in the way. So what are we to do? Well, why don’t we talk about it.

Over the summer I was on top of my game. I was starting a new job, going out with my friends, and having so much fun. I was radiating confidence and power and the boys that I would meet could definitely tell. There was a time in the summer where I had three dates lined up in a week and then something happened. A person who I had a crush on asked me to hang out and we ended up talking about the way we felt about each other. After that happened, I was so shook because I never was open with someone like that before. Honestly, it was quite unsettling for someone who never expresses how they feel. Between my friends and family asking what is going to happen and between my own anxiety of giving up my freedom of being single, I decided to ask this person what they wanted and where they were at. To be honest, I wish I knew then what I know now about communication. I don’t know if I would have handled it differently.

Here’s the thing, I am so glad I just came out and did it because I would have drove myself crazy wondering where they were at. Also, if it had come out they were hurt about me hooking up with other people I would have felt bad even if I didn’t know. Communication has its strengths and weaknesses but I’m not going to debate that. 

Let’s Talk About Sex

In my research of communication I learned something in the last place I thought I would (a joke) — my psychology class in Human Sexual Behavior. When talking about contraceptives my professor brought up a great way when talking about contraceptives. With his permission, I am going to use his advice to relate them to sex and communication in relationships.

Pick A Strategic Time 

After a night out of drinking is not a strategic time to bring up something about your relationship or sex. A strategic time could be a date night or over dinner when you are alone with your partner.

Talk About Your Relationship, Then Get Specific

You don’t want to spring it on your partner nor do you want to make them feel uncomfortable. So when you begin the conversation about your relationship, start with the aspects of your relationship that bring you joy, make you happy. or enhance your life in some way. Make sure the conversation is natural and allow your partner to freely express what makes them happy about your relationship. As the conversation progresses, direct it towards the more specific topic.

Don’t Apologize

You are not a bad person for wanting to improve your relationship, sex life, or whatever you want to discuss. Everyone is entitled to feel some type of way about something that is bothering them. Do not let your partner feel bad for wanting to openly communicate in your relationship. Nor you as the communicator should make your partner feel bad or make them feel like they did something wrong for not seeing the issue. It is important that you and your partner are comfortable and not on the defense.

Use Open-Ended Questions

Open-ended questions allow your partner to respond and express their opinions, needs, wants, and desires.

Explore Options and Don’t Make Demands

Ultimatums are not the way to go. It is not your way or no way. That is a toxic way of thinking and it creates a hostile, unhealthy relationship. Again, you and your partner want to be comfortable. If you want to spice up your sex life but one of you is hesitant. To remedy this you can slowly incorporate or build spicier acts into the bedroom. 

I didn’t want to group communication about sex in the bedroom and the defining the relationship talk in the same article. So, stay tuned for those! 

Written by Julie Cappiello 

Sexcapades: ‘Cmon baby, light my fire’

Julie Cappiello
Sexcapades

Foreplay can make or break the entire sexual experience from building tension, to getting in the mood, and finally, engaging in an intimate connection in the bedroom.

If the government really can track us through search histories, texts, and instant messages, mine are definitely self-incriminating. As a writer, especially a sex blogger, I always worry about how my search histories are perceived to the FBI agent lurking behind my screen. I plead the fifth.  Most of the time it’s a cross between sex research, conspiracy theories and aliens. Sometimes they even intersect…just kidding.

Maybe. 

Anyway, let’s talk what gets us hot and heavy. 

Touch My Body 

Is it a look? Oh, you know what look I’m talking about.

Is it a touch or caress? 

A combination of the two acts? 

What the fuck is foreplay? Is it something that happens before sex? When does it start? Is it even important? 

The answer to that last question is 100 percent yes. 

What exactly is foreplay?

Where does foreplay begin and end? 

Does it include oral sex? 

Can foreplay lead to orgasms? 

According to Planned Parenthood, foreplay is a precursor to sexual intercourse and it includes kissing, touching and the sharing of sexual fantasies. In this definition, PP outlines that the purpose of foreplay is to build up sexual excitement and explicitly states that it helps women’s bodies prepare for sex.

Again, the question comes up: when does foreplay begin? 

When I am at the bars and I am flirting with a guy, if I feel the vibes and the sexual tension is strong, I know I am going to ask him to leave with me. The flirting, dancing, light kissing, and touching is the foreplay because I know when we are alone I am ready to get down.

Moushumi Ghose, a licensed therapist specializing in sex and relationship, challenges what society deems as foreplay in a Huff Post article. Honestly, her definition is not much different from the scenario that I described above. Controversially, Ghose says that kissing, oral sex, and manual stimulation should be considered under the umbrella of sex. I wouldn’t necessarily agree that a heavy makeout session on the couch would be considered sex. 

However, Ghose says foreplay is everything else that builds up to the moment of sex: all the innocently, sweet gestures to the spicy sexts. All the sexual thoughts share with your partner is foreplay. What I like that Ghose mentions is foreplay does not always have to lead to actual sex all the time, it can just buildup for days even if you and your partner engage in sex.

Ghose’s advice is that small communication and body language matters. Communication includes leaving little notes for them to find to bring a smile to their face, butterflies to their stomach and a deep burning desire to see you at home. 

FOREPLAY IS IMPORTANT 

Without foreplay sex is rushed, disoriented, anxious. No actual pleasure derived from this type of sexual interaction. The neglecting of sexual tension and foreplay can stem from the misunderstanding of how it truly affects our experience. Also, the lack of communication plays a huge factor. The fact that we are not talking about sex is terrible for everyone’s sex life. Nobody is a mind reader, how is your partner supposed to know what you want or like? We’ll get to communication in another post.

This orgasm-oriented view on sex is skewed. Why do we have to get down to business right away? There is an ancestral pattern that sex must be done in the dark in secrecy and full of guilt. This is why it is so rushed—whether its conscious or not. We are afraid of enjoying sexual touch.

According to Psychology Today, foreplay important physiologically and psychologically. First, foreplay is more important physiologically for women than it is for men. Sexual arousal for men happens way faster than it does women (Rathus, Nevid, & Fichner-Rathus, Human sexuality in a Changing World, 2018, p. 202). Men can achieve an erection 3 to 8 seconds after stimulation begins, while vaginal lubrication (getting wet) takes 10 to 30 seconds (Rathus et. al., Human sexuality in a Changing World, p. 202).

Psychologically foreplay is stimulating for our human connections and building our intimacy with those we are engaging in it with. Touching and petting arouses feelings of safety and love and brings us closer to real human connection that we inherently crave.

Getting in the Mood 

Okay, like I mentioned communication is key and, we’ll learn more about bettering communication in the next post. There are ways you can spice up your foreplay.

Send that dirty sext to let them know you always want them. 

Take things slow when you are getting ready to have sex.

 Let the tension build while you touch and kiss each other. 

Get one of those dirty dice games.

 Spencer’s has those novelty sex toys for a reason. And that reason is so you can spice up your sex life once and never use it again. Although, you should probably spice it up all the time.

Get all oily, baby, and give your partner a massage. 

I’m sure you can probably think of ways to build your foreplay. Everyone has something they at least want to try. Honestly, foreplay makes sex more enjoyable. If it’s done right it definitely makes the orgasm much, much, much better.

Written by: Julie Cappiello

Sexcapades: Booty Werk

Julie Cappiello
Sexcapades

Is it Ass eating Szn?

It’s been a while since I have written for Sexcapades, but finally I am getting back to my passion. The summer has been crazy for me between boys, moving, new jobs and beginnings I couldn’t keep up with my own adventures. I have broken many boundaries and old habits that I never thought I would do in a span of a summer. I have always struggled with admitted my feelings towards those who I like romantically but, I did it. Unlike my past self I did not take it back. Doing this lifted so much weight off of my shoulders and believe it or not allowed me to enjoy my sex life more. After I admitted my feelings I stopped caring about my dating life and being vulnerable because I learned that I was capable of having feelings. It may seem backwards but that I ‘stopped caring’ but it’s more like I learned how to actually go with the flow. At the end of the day, I am coming into my own and I genuinely enjoyed my summer with all of its highs and lows. 

Anyway, I was prompted with an interest adventure during one of my hookups. Butt stuff. Now, this isn’t the first time that I have introduced to the act. 

Flashback to August 2016

A. Finger. In. The. Butt. 

Freshman year Julie went to her first frat party. She met this guy who was a friend of someone in the frat. After a game of flip cup and feeling confident, she struck up a conversation with this handsome stranger which then escalated to dancing, then to kissing followed by touching, On the crowded dance floor, it was then that this mans put his hand down the backside of her pants.

“This is a weird way to go about things,” she thought to herself when it happened.

A. Finger. In. The. Butt. 

2016 Julie shook as can be jumped back, laughed and yelled no butt stuff! 

Though how it may seem very violating, I thought it was quite interesting because I was ready for this make out session to be taken to next level. This was not the level I was thinking, however. 

I have never lived down that story—it is too iconic

I’ve always joked about anal play and expressed possible interest in experimentation. Sex obviously feels different to all individuals and anal sex is no different. There are many ways to engage in sex too, same goes for anal sex. Some sexually active individuals may be afraid to express their desires, fantasies or they may not have the knowledge of the ways they engage in sexual acts. While there have countless references in pop culture about the very taboo act, anal play isn’t really that uncommon. I think the reason why people consider it taboo is that they don’t know how to go about it. There are a lot of misconceptions surrounding anal play and they run deep in society.

There are a couple of things that need to be discussed before engaging in anal play. First, let me mention why I am referring to anal sex acts as anal play. There are a multitude of ways to engage. By using the word ‘play’ I am trying to implant the idea that this act can be enjoyable and inviting. As children we learned and expressed ourselves through playing. It was a release for us, why should that change as we grow up? The same goes for sex, we learn more about ourselves the more we engage.

A Brief History 

According to podcast Secret Pink Closet. by Golden Chidinma said anal sex was founded in ancient cultures like Greece. Here’s a fun fact: bisexuality was very prevalent in a lot of ancient cultures and in early civilizations in Greece, Rome and India Gods were depicted having sexual relations with one another and mortals. In Homer’s Iliad it implied that Achilles and his friend Patroclus were romantically involved. Yes, Achilles did have relationships with women too but the Ancient Greek men were very fluid with their sexuality. Between the third and fifth centuries, the Kama Sutra was written, a manual of Hindu sexual practices (Rathus, Nevid, & Fichner-Rathus, Human sexuality in a Changing World, 2018, p. 13). However, with the spread Christianity throughout the world sexual practices became criminalized, tabooed and shamed. 

Types of Anal Play 

There are many ways one can incorporate anal play into the bedroom. You can use it as the full sexual act itself (anal sex), incorporate it into foreplay or you can dabble with in while you are engaging in sex. 

Anal sex is the act of the penis (or dildo) entering the anus. With proper preparation it can be very stimulating for both the giver and receiver. Again, anyone can engage in anal sex because we all have a butt. Additionally, it can be enjoyable sexually because of the highly sensitive nerve endings in the rectum (Rathus, Nevid, & Fichner-Rathus, Human sexuality in a Changing World, 2018, p. 237). 

If anal sex is too much for you or your partner(s) it can be incorporated as a variation in foreplay. The consenting parties can engage in anilingus also known as rimming, or a rim job. Anilingus is the oral stimulation of the anus. It can be very pleasurable for the consenting parties. Again, starting off slow to help your partner relax and then you can progress once they are ready. In the next step, a finger can be added to the rectum which can heighten the sexual experience because of the nerve endings and the anal sphincters.

For men, fingering can be extremely pleasurable because of the prostate gland located just inside the rectum near the entrance. This can be incorporated during fellacio (blowjobs) or as its own thing. Again, anyone can enjoy anal play. Yes, even straight men. No, it doesn’t make you gay. I’m serious. If it feels good, why deny yourself the pleasure? Some women are into pegging and you are not afraid to abandon your toxic masculinity why not let her take you from behind. If you need more reasons to bend over here are 11 reasons why straight men should try anal play. 

Anal play can come with the incorporation of toys, too. Butt plugs, dildos, and anal beads can be included, but be sure there is a base on it.

The Grocery list for Anal Play 

Test Drive

First, all individuals can engage in anal play no matter their sexual orientation or gender identification. Everyone can enjoy it because everyone has a butt! According to the podcast SWOON: Love Lessons with Julie and Gina, if you want to know if you might enjoy anal play try it when you masturbate.

COMMUNICATION IS KEY

Okay, so you want to engage in anal play. The first step you need to do is communicate with your partner. It’s obvious, no one likes a random finger in the ass. It’s not cool and definitely lacks consent. Also, accidental penetration of the anus with no preparation hurts really bad. Basically, communicate with your partner about all of your desires and fantasies, if you want to have a healthy sex life. After the talk is squared away you can move on. 

Sudsy and Steamy

The next step is to clean yourself up. The anus carries a lot of bacteria because that is where we release all of our waste. Additionally, you can get infections through your rectum by dirty toys and fingers, not to mention oral transmitted bacteria. Water douching may be acceptable for this part but be careful when using chemical douches, they can be harmful.

‘Touch my body’

Foreplay should always be including whether you are engaging in anal play or not because you and partner can relax, set the mood and prepare for the acts to come. According to SWOON, the whole rectum region is prone to stimulation. This stimulation allows for the consenting parties to relax. Possible ways to increase stimulation according to the ladies of SWOON include massages, the use of vibrators, teasing, and rimming (will get to this later).

Protection

Here are some important items you will need. First, lube because there is no gland or way for lubrication to form in your rectum. When engaging in the insertion form lube is a requirement. Saliva will not cut it so invest in a lubricant that you think will help you. The second thing you will need is condoms. If you are engaging in penis-anus type of anal play, you may want to use condoms to protect against bacteria and sexually transmitted infections. Be sure to note the kind of lube you can use with the condoms you are using. 

Getting Down to It

Now you have everything you need to experiment or engage in anal. Your research does not have to stop there the internet is full of sources to walk through anal play. Here’s a reiteration of the important stuff:

Unsure if you like anal, try it when you masturbate.

Talk to your partner to see if they are okay with it. 

Take things slow. 

Remember to breathe. 

Relax and have fun. 

Written by: Julie Cappiello

Sexcapades: A Late Pride Month Tribute to My Sister

Julie Cappiello

In my quest to include the LGBTQ+ community in Sexcapades it dawned me that I should write about a lesbian icon that has impacted my life.

I wanted this to be posted for pride month which is the month of June but I’ve had terrible writer’s block. For the longest time, I’ve wanted to write a post for the LGBTQ+ community but it was hard finding the words to. I didn’t want to offend anyone nor did I want to perpetuate stereotypes.

My sister Justine is one of the two greatest sisters that I could have ever asked for. My sisters and I have travelled together through many lifetimes and I am forever grateful that they chose to be my sisters in this one. I’m sorry Grae but this post isn’t about you, but I have to show some love for my big sister. 

At 5 feet 3 inches, she is covered head-to-toe with tattoos. She has a full sleeve on both of her arms, full sleeve in the process on her one leg, her ribs, neck, back and head, and even the initials of our sister Grace on her butt. She is a walking promotion for our cousin who has done all of her tattoos. Everywhere we go people stop her to talk about her tattoos. They stare as she walks by working up the courage to say nice ink. With her bright blue eyes and short, brown hair she is beautiful. Her natural beauty is outstanding that she doesn’t need makeup (not that she would know how to even apply it). 

Justine is the most caring and loyal person I know. Her love for dogs, her family, her friends show with everything she does. She is the sister that drove six days with me across the country. She is the sister that helped her youngest sister start a dog walking business. She is the sister that patiently helps her brother move in and fix his house. She supports her friends throughout all their achievements, engagements, new jobs and businesses. She is there for her parents when they need her the most. She constantly tells our mother that she can live with her and her future wife when she gets old. Justine is so caring and so passionate that when a dog she walked had to be put down while the family was on vacation, she stayed with dog so it wasn’t alone. 

Justine and I driving in Chicago on our road trip.

At just 7 years old my sister would wake up in the middle of the night to me, a crying infant. She would change me and carry me to our mother so she can feed me. As we got older Justine would babysit Grace and I. I remember always being around her and her friends when our parents went out. She told me that sometimes when she would watch us she would get afraid that we were dead she so she’d wake us up when we were sleeping. Basically, Justine was a second mother sometimes.

I guess I had always known that my sister was a lesbian; she never had a boyfriend. Obviously, she was never interested in boys. She didn’t come out until college when she brought home a girlfriend. The way it seems to me is that as a family, we didn’t see it as a big deal. However, to her, I think it was a big deal. Although my sister’s coming out story was much more lighthearted when compared to others, this isn’t meant to say that everyone’s experiences are the same. My family was just fortunate enough to be accepting and loving of the fact because, like I said, we all knew. We were raised to love someone beyond their sexual orientation.

In fact, when my hometown raised the Pride flag for the first time this past June my mother and sister went there to express their support. And then, my mother posted on Facebook a series of hashtags that made my siblings and I hysterically laugh. I can say that on behalf of my family that we will accept you no matter what you identify as. There is always plenty of room and food if you want to join the Cappiello Clan. 

My mom’s facebook post about the Pride Flag Ceremony in my town.

Having my sister be out and proud makes me reflect on how different it can be for other people. It creates a false reality for me because I can’t comprehend how people can be homophobic. In my eyes, we are all the same and no sexual orientation or identification can change the fact that we are all human beings and that deserve love, respect, and happiness. So when I walked into my living room on June 12, 2016, to my older sister crying on our couch. My heart immediately sank. I went over to comfort her and she asked if I had seen the news about what happened in Orlando. I had. Forty-nine people were killed in a mass shooting inside Pulse Night Club. My heart immediately sank for my sister because it hit so close to home for her. I don’t know if she shares this memory but I remember being sick to my stomach that she was so affected by it.

The following year my sisters and I went to the Pride Parade in New York City. That experience was so exciting for me because millions of people from all over were there to celebrate one another and love. I felt so honored to be there to celebrate my sister. It is upsetting that I cannot be there this year to celebrate pride with her this year but I will be celebrating her and right to love whomever she chooses in San Diego.

To my sister that can quote almost every Will Ferrell movie: I am so proud that you feel safe enough to openly express who you are and confident enough to wear your heart on your tattoo covered sleeve. I couldn’t have asked for a better role model in my life. “I would walk 500 miles and I would walk 500 more.”

Written by: Julie Cappiello 
Justine and I’s selfie on the first night of our road trip to San Diego.
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