Sexcapades: ENOUGH with the creepy DMs.

Sexcapades

On this week’s Sexcapades: We explore how since the dawn of time, people have thought that creepy overused pickup lines were the gateway to a woman’s heart (and vagina).

I can see cavemen grunting and winking toward cavewomen in hopes that she will invite him back to her cave. In the year 2019, nothing has changed, except that the pickup lines begin on social media in the DMs.

This is why I took my Instagram link off of my Tinder profile because I would get the weirdest messages. But I wish I knew that I would end up writing a sex blog, because I otherwise would have kept them. One of the creepiest DMs that I’ve received is forever engraved in my memory. It said, “I want to make you like I make my Chipotle Burritos. Hot, spicy and stuffed.” Mortified does not even come close to describing how I still feel.

On my quest to recover some of my encounters with the third kind, I went to place where all of my deepest, darkest secrets lie: the ‘Mission Impossible’ group chat. It was in that alternate reality where I discovered an equally horrifying DM as the one I mentioned before.

The pickup line within itself is not horrible, but it’s the last sentence that sends shivers down my spine.

 

“I had to skip tinder to message you”

 First of all, if we don’t match on Tinder what gives you the idea that I want to talk to you on another social media platform! The whole point of Tinder is to connect with people through…wait for it kids…TINDER. Okay, I get it, I can see how he could have gotten confused, I did put my Instagram in my bio. However, the only reason why I, and most other people do that, is to make sure the rest of the nondesperates knew I was real.

Second of all, I am not going to answer all your prayers. I am your darkest nightmare. And no, it did not hurt when I fell from heaven because I crawled my way out of HELL.

On a scale of 1 to 10, these DMs are creepy!

I was going to rate these DMs on a scale of 1 to 10 based on how creepy they are, but let’s be honest if a random person is sliding into your DMs its always creepy. I want to thank to all the lovely people for submitting their creepy messages.

Gimme yo f***in’ money!

 

Submitted by Anonymous

What a way to get the job done. Send the person a wad of money with no context! The ‘Booooooo’ and ‘So sad lol’ kill me honestly. How the hell does one respond to this? Is this a solicitation or demand to be your sugar baby? I have so many questions but I don’t know if I want to know the answers.

Hello 9-11, there’s a creep in my DMs

Submitted by Anonymous

The recovery on this DM is very smooth, I’m going to give them that. Also the dedication to incorporate the emojis and “sound effect” is very creative. “Wow” is a very appropriate response because what other response could be said. I hope this girl gave him a chance. I think I ship them together. Actually, I do ship them together.

Remember boys, consistency is key!

Submitted by Anonymous

Four years. For four years this mans messaged this girl. He wants to apologize for blowing up their phone for the last couple of days, but where is the apology for the LAST FOUR YEARS? Clearly, they doesn’t want to talk to you if they doesn’t answer. This, kids, is what we all obsession. Mariah Carey wrote a song about this!

“I don’t have creepy DMs but I do have creepy dudes who don’t stop. When I don’t answer your texts and then you start messaging me on Twitter to see if I open them…Men!”

Submitted by Gianna

Gianna, honey, I am so sorry this happens to you. It is one thing to have men message you creepy things it is another to have them contact you through multiple platforms. These are the worst kind of men.

Submitted by Gianna

I thought it was just an urban legend of boys messaging you through LinkedIn. I feel like I just saw Bigfoot. I feel like I don’t even need to explain how creepy this situation is. At the same time, this is absolutely hilarious, because of all the social media sites we have, this man decided to choose LinkedIn of all sites.

“Is your name Google? Because you’ve got everything I’m searching for.”

This post isn’t so much about sex or a sexual act to say. However, this post highlights the great lengths boy will go through to get laid. On my quest to understand, I decided to google some cheesy pickup lines. To my surprise a few were found in the submissions. I couldn’t help but wonder, do boys google cheesy pickup lines?

I shuddered at the thought of a boy looking at girl’s profile and thinking to himself, “I can totally bang this girl.” Though his confidence seems to be beaming because he is sitting behind a screen, he wipes a little bit of sweat off his forehead. He types out “There’s something wrong with my cellphone. It doesn’t have your number in it.” He chuckles to himself a bit, presses send and waits for a response. Most of the time he will keep on waiting and somewhere in that girl’s group chat her and her friends are roasting the shit out of him.

If you have an enlightening or funny sex story submit it here!

Written by: Julie Cappiello

The Pansexual Panel: Why only with straight men?

The Pansexual Panel

Think about you. Why are you only having sex with straight men? Are you really being who you want to be? Or are you hiding in plain sight?

Just the other day someone asked “who are you (what gender, what sex)?” and vaguely gestured to my bright pastel clothing. A gesture that could only be interpreted as pure confusion over my sexuality and attached to it my gender identity. Everyone wants to place you in a box because they feel uncomfortable that they can’t judge you with a quick glance. This discomfort spreads even more when they aren’t sure if they should use HE SHE OR THEY assuming THEY ever comes across their mind. Sure dealing with straight culture can dampen your otherwise queer day, but that’s not the point. What drew me to this tiny corner of the internet today was a discussion among my Femme friends about sexual pleasure. More specifically:

Are you having an orgasm every single time you have sex?

Too broad? Let’s narrow that down:

Are women having orgasms when they have sex with men?

Please note the word “men” is being using lightly and for obvious reasons is not capitalized. More on that later I promise. The story begins with our close friend, who we will call Katie for the sake of her privacy and her innocent questions. Our friend group was not prepared for the bomb shell she dropped on us just a few days ago. Seemingly out of nowhere she asked:

Do you guys have an orgasm every single time you have sex?

Among the many answers came a single question:

Are you only having sex with straight men?

She nodded yes and a loud sigh came from every queer member of this impromptu panel that was formed around this single question. She continued to explain that her sexual relationship consisted of vigorous sex for just a few minutes during which she never quite got there. Plain and simple she wasn’t enjoying her sexual relationship with her boyfriend. Or rather her own pleasure was not being put up for discussion by her nor her boyfriend. Naturally we suggested that be the first step but to our dismay we discovered that he told her “It just takes too long”.

Let’s unpack that; a young girl mid-twenties who can count her sexual partners on her hand has now been told her want for pleasure is inconvenient.

F*** THAT.

Orgasms are important!

Obviously the first step should be an open discussion about pleasure both shared and individual but if someone isn’t willing to do that for you then you should consider why you are keeping them around. Is this a critique of straight men? Not at all, but consider that the most unsatisfied women we’ve ever encountered are always having sex with straight men. See, our set societal norms are cock blocking us. Seriously, the patriarchy has become so prominent and normalized that some women are questioning if they should be enjoying sex at all. The answer is:

YES!

Of course you should be enjoying sex, we should be redefining sex to include a huge variety of things. Penetration isn’t the only form of sex and I’m here to tell you that you need to stop letting people shame you. Upset some fucking people, talk back, question their motives be loud and be seen.

What is the first step? Start here if you like. This won’t be a 100% percent correct and informational one stop shop for all things sex, gender, sexual identity but it will be a place you can be honest with yourself and each other if you are willing to enter into that conversation.

Who am I?

My names Jonathan Richard Sotelo, I’m Mexican Guatemalan American. I am Queer, Pansexual, and gender non-conforming. If you believe in the spectrum you could place me right in the middle.

Until next time, think about you.

Written by: Jonathan Richard Sotelo

Sexcapades: Losing Your Virginity Is Not Magical

Sexcapades

Don’t believe what they say – losing your virginity is the stuff of nightmares.

In my sexual awakening sophomore year of high school, one of my friends was dating a senior, whom she lost her virginity to. She described her first time as if fireworks and confetti shot out of his penis. While other girls awed, blushed and clasped their hands in excitement and slight embarrassment by the word ‘sex.’ I skeptically sat there contemplating if your first time is really a big deal.

From that moment I began imagine how I’d like my first time go down. I didn’t want it to be with someone I was dating, I didn’t even want it to special or good for that matter. Well, I inherently knew it wasn’t going to be good. I just really wanted to get it over with. I felt like there would plenty of more times for improvement and fireworks.

There Will Be Blood: My virginity story

As junior prom approached, my mother (who must have picked up my thoughts on becoming more sexually active) put me on birth control. A very smart, progressive and rational decision on her part. At the time I was talking to this boy C.P.* who I somewhat liked but at the same time I felt like it wasn’t a right fit. We had been sort of talking, we’d hang out sometimes, text and snapchat all the time. We were both virgins and were thinking about “losing it” to each other during prom weekend.

I’m violently vomiting everywhere at the fact I wrote the phrase, “losing it.”

If you don’t know what prom weekend is, it’s the weekend following prom where juniors and seniors from the high school rent motel rooms at the infamous Anchor Motel in Seaside Heights, NJ. Long story short that is not what ended up happening. It was the second night and there was a bunch of people in my room. One of the people was this kid who I know from sports, Pete, * and he was flirting with me. A close friend of mine noticed the flirting and being a good wing-woman ushered people out of the room as he disappeared to the bathroom. When he emerged, I was alone and shaking because I didn’t know what to do. He looked a bit puzzled and I was hoping he couldn’t see the anxiety in my face. It all happened so fast, but the only thing that came out of my mouth was, “I don’t know where everyone went, but do you want to take more shots with me?”

One thing lead to another and we ended up having sex. Well sort of, his penis barely went in and it hurt so bad. The only thing on my mind was that I couldn’t believe I actually manifested this whole experience. It was exactly how I wanted it to go down! Shout out to my fairy Godmother looking out for me.I wanted to be daring for my first time so I decided to get on top but, when I looked down there was so much fucking blood. In my dramatic mind it looked like a murder scene.

I should have been mortified but all I did was laugh. Like hysterically laugh because something was bound to go wrong. Pete immediately rushed to my aide and asked if I was okay. I was fine and all I really wanted to do at that point was take a shower and get drunk more with my friends. When I came out he was still in my room, and I was all shook because I’d thought he’d bounce. Nope, he was still there, which I guess was kind of nice. I honestly don’t know how but we ended up cuddling and falling asleep? Yeah, it was weird and then my friends ended up kicking him out, which is hilarious. Love them, thanks guys.

It was actually in this point in time where I learned I hate cuddling, especially with someone I don’t even like!

Anyway, that’s my virginity story, it wasn’t magical, there were no firework but, of course, there was blood.

Submissions from unsatisfied women, I’m so sorry ladies.

Part of the reason why I started this blog was to give people a form and open a door for people to talk about the kind of sex they have. I create a submission form which I sent out to my close friends who then sent it to their friends. I was really nervous that I was going to no response but I ended up getting a few. These brave souls shared their embarrassing and hilarious first time stories, so I’ll let them have the floor now.

Happy Birthday Mom! From Small Dick Epsilon

“I came into college as a virgin and for some reason I thought it would be a good idea to download tinder. So, I match with this guy and we talk and plan to hang out. He bailed like five times so, clearly, he’s a fuckboy. Eighteen-year-old, virgin me was determined to meet up with him. We finally meet up for the first time, I drove forty-five minutes to see him. He takes me to his frat, no dinner, nothing! We literally said five words to each other and then fucked. Worst three minutes of my life, no foreplay or anything! He stuck his four-inch penis in my dry, tight-ass, virgin vag. It hurt like a bitch. So, I sleep over and the next day we get Chipotle. He really tried to make me pay for myself, I said to the woman ringing us up ‘oh we’re together.’ Like you really want me to pay for myself after you stuck your small dick inside me all last night? Not. A. Chance. Basically, my first time having sex was not like they make it seem in the movies. I was in a crusty, ugly, rude ass fuck boy’s room losing my virginity…on my MOM’S BIRTHDAY.  In a frat house nonetheless. Worst daughter in the world.” -Anonymous

Oh, Gravity is working against me

“So sophomore year in high school I had sex with this man-child who had better hair products than me. Basically, he turned on John Mayer’s Gravity and attempted to put on a condom. Five minutes go by, he’s still struggling to put on this fucking condom and I’m lying there like a dead fish. All while contemplating my life. Even better, I guess he specifically wanted to lose his virginity to that song so when it ended (he was trying to put the condom on) he frantically grabbed his phone to replay it. When he finally got the condom on he struggled for another ten minutes trying to get his dick in me. He had to be in me for at the most five seconds. It ended with me saying ‘did we even have sex,’ probably not the thing a guy wants to hear. Whatever dodged a bullet on that one because he ended up lying about his dad having terminal cancer to break up with me.” – Anonymous

Parting Words           

First times like first impressions can be tough. If you spend so much time trying to make it perfect, then you’ll end up hyping it in your head and being really disappointed when it doesn’t happen the way you want it. Just be natural and go with the flow, it’s not that big of a deal. I believe that when you find that right person you want to settle down with, that is all the magic and fireworks you need. Until then, keep on fuckin’.

If you have a funny, enlightening or educational sex piece that you’d like to submit, fill out this form.

Written by: Julie Cappiello
*All of names for this story have been changed from privacy reasons.
*Submissions stories were formatted to have correct grammar, spelling, punctuation and were edited to have a readable flow. Submissions were asked to be labelled anonymous by participants.

Sexcapades: You Should Have Shameless Sex!

An Introduction to Sexcapades:

Let me start my sex blog by saying this: I love to talk about sex. I don’t mind talking about sex, sex education, sex positions, sex toys, sex kinks; if it’s a good story I’ll listen. Even among my friends, I’m always the first to bring up my latest sexcapades. I have a few iconic stories that really solidified me as being sexually open; we’ll get to some of those later. I just have one request for my readers: be open-minded.  Please, don’t shame people for whatever type of sex they do or don’t have.

Speaking of shame, I was re-watching Big Mouth (If you haven’t watched it by now, what are you doing?) recently. In the episode titled “The Shame Wizard,” Andrew confides in his Rabbi about his shame in masturbation. The Rabbi tells Andrew to talk to the Catholics about shame. That line really stopped me in my tracks. If you know me, you know I am not religious and that I wasn’t raised that way. However, my parents and grandparents were raised Catholic.

My Shame:

In my teen years, I can recall a few sexual encounters where I felt shameful. There was the time sophomore year of high school where I vigorously made out with a senior at a party. Another time where I made out with that senior’s cousin in my friend’s boyfriend’s basement. And, the time I gave my first blowjob.

Sophomore year was a real sexual awakening time for me. It was a very fundamental time for me, my sex life and figuring our who I was. I felt like every coming of age girl should: powerful, sexy, strong, sometimes insecure and, of course, shame. I don’t understand why sex needs to have a blanket of shame that weighs over it. Yet, we’ve all felt it. Is sex shameful because of religion, is it the way we were raised, the society we live in or the media depictions that we are bombarded with?

I think the reason why I feel shame toward sex is from an ancestral pattern I inherited from my maternal lineage. My grandparents grew up in a time where sex was a taboo discussion. During that time, people only had sex to reproduce. Today, we have this hook up culture where we crave a no strings attached engagement.

Additionally on that side of the family is history of sexual trauma, or in other words, abuse. Not to mention, one of my great-aunts was forced into the convent because her parents thought she was promiscuous. Therefore, one could suggest that shame runs in the family.

My Triumph Over Shame:

Patterns like this influenced the way my siblings and I were taught about sex. Don’t get me wrong, I was taught proper sex education. Yet, I felt like I was bad for having these unspoken urges, like, I was deviant. As I matured, became self-aware and sexually awakened I tried different ways to break my ancestral pattern. This is one of those ways, writing about sex for the world to read. Similar to a modern day Carrie Bradshaw, but minus the city (though I miss it, dearly) and less fashionable outfits.

Another way I continue to break my shameful sex pattern, is being open and unapologetic for the way I am. Why should I be sorry for the way I present myself. Bobby Brown said it right, “I see nothing wrong, spreading myself around.” It is me being my authentic self. I am not trying to gloat that I have so much sex—I definitely don’t—but I don’t mind talking about it. It is a part of who I am. If talking about sex or your sex life is not for you, rock on, my dude.

Biology says its normal:

Say this to yourself: “My reason for shame does not define me!” Now scream it! You should not feel gross or guilty immediately after engaging a sexual activity. It should not make you feel that way — it should be consensual, and a time where you feel the most in your body. Your sexuality and sexual-ness makes you human.

We’ve all learned in biology that sex is natural, or at least seen some Planet Earth episodes where the animals have sex. The male bird makes a specific sound to attract mates, the Baboon presents its butt, female dogs go into heat; whatever it is, animals “do it” too. Bonobo chimpanzees and dolphins have sex for pleasure, just like humans. If the animal kingdom is having their cake and eating it too, why should humans forbid others from doing it?

Parting words:

I know it seems like I am asking more questions than answering them, but I want you to think about it for yourself. How do you feel about your sex life? Do you enjoy it? Do you feel shame? Do you feel powerful? I like to reflect every so often about my recent sexual experiences. I don’t think all sex has to be a casual, one-night-stand. Nor do I think that all sex has must between two people in a committed relationship. It is totally up to you about how you go about your sex life. Make sure it’s safe, consensual, mind-blowing and—of course— shameless.