A Wildly Inaccurate Summary of Avengers: Endgame

Avengers: Endgame

The final film in Marvel’s Avengers series was highly anticipated and beloved by many – but not everyone in the theater felt this way.

In my almost 25 years on this planet (yikes), I have seen a total of two superhero movies. The first was Spider-Man (2002), which I remember seeing in the movie theater in my hometown at the age of 7. The second was Deadpool in 2016, also at that same theater with yellow shag carpet on the walls and a crystal chandelier in the “big theater” (the place only has two screens, which we would refer to as the “big theater” or the “small theater”). So as you might expect, I was counting down the days until Avengers: Endgame hit theaters where I would see it on opening night.

Just kidding. I didn’t even know this movie existed until April 24th, when it was discussed on KCR’s own Brett & Mackee in the Morning. But you already knew that, because you undoubtedly listen to San Diego’s Best Morning Radio Show, as voted by the San Diego Union Tribune’s 2018 Reader’s Poll, every Wednesday morning from 10 to 12. As explained above, I’ve never seen any of the other Avengers movies. In fact, I’m not even sure how many there are. I’m going to go ahead and guess that there are twelve movies in the series. (Editor’s note: Andrea, how the heck are you so behind?)

When a fellow KCR member asked me, over Plant Power Fast Food, if I wanted to go to the 1:45 AM 3D showing of Avengers: Endgame that night, I agreed. Maybe it was just the vegan chicken nuggets altering my perception, but this sounded like a great idea to me. A three hour movie, a three hour SUPERHERO movie, at nearly 2 AM on a Thursday night/Friday morning. In the end, we decided on the 11:45 PM showing at AMC Fashion Valley. One sour beer and two hard kombuchas later, and we found ourselves in butter-soaked seats with plastic 3D glasses on our faces. “So it won’t be blurry,” the ticket-taker had informed us.

So here you go: my critical, sleep-deprived review of Avengers: Endgame. This is all surely inaccurate and likely offensive to fans of the series. I’m sorry. “I love you three thousand”.

A “Summary” of the Film

Avengers: Endgame opens with a scene of a family enjoying a nice lakeside picnic and some archery. I’ve already forgotten which character was the dad in this scene. Eventually the dad looks around and his family has disappeared. I think that if I had seen the other eleven Avengers movies I might have understood why this was happening. Instead, I figured aliens were involved somehow. As in, the antagonists in the other Avengers movies were aliens. (Editors note: At least you got that mostly right.)

So then I was introduced to the titular Avengers, I think. To me, the Avengers are Scarlett Johansson, Mark Ruffalo/The Hulk, Miley Cyrus’s husband’s brother, Chris Evans, a raccoon, Paul Rudd, and Brett Michel’s father Robert Downey Jr. If I’m being honest, it seems like Robert Downey Jr. carried the team in this movie, particularly by figuring out how to time travel. RDJ is a family man, though, and at first doesn’t want to get involved with this alien-fighting business. However, he relents and agrees to go to space with them despite having a young daughter. I bet you can guess what’s going to happen to his character at the end of the movie.

Why was time travel necessary for the Avengers? I’m not really sure. Paul Rudd spent five years of his life in another dimension, or something, while people in the real world kept living their lives. So I guess the Avengers needed to travel back in time to save Paul Rudd from this other dimension. In order to save Paul Rudd, the Avengers had to retrieve some magic stones from the past.

The Avengers split off into teams and travel into the past to retrieve the magic stones. Paul Rudd becomes tiny, there are two Captain Americas that fight each other (?), Tilda Swinton is on a rooftop. Obviously, this quest for the magic stones was the crux of the whole movie, so I apologize for reducing it to a two-sentence summary.

There’s a scene where RDJ and Chris Evans go back in time to a very All-American looking army base, and RDJ talks to a man who’s expecting a child with his wife. RDJ is very emotional when talking to this man, and hugs him goodbye despite having only just met him. I deduced that this man was actually RDJ’s father and his unborn child would grow up to be none other than Robert Downey Jr. Wikipedia tells me that my conclusion was correct. This, my friends, is what I like to call critical thinking and inference. Yes, I have taken a first-year TFM class.

Okay, what else? Scarlett Johannson dies. Another guy was maybe going to die but Scarlett sacrifices herself instead. I can’t even remember why she had to die – midway through the movie my eyes were definitely starting to close. There was a scary Grim Reaper-looking thing that gave these two a message. The robot woman was a double agent and helped the Big Evil Guy (not an alien) try to take over the world. Some other things happened.

Then there was a big battle scene! “Avengers, assemble!” That’s a direct quote from the film. A lot of other Marvel characters returned for the battle and everyone else in the theater made sounds of excitement and recognition as the camera panned over these characters. I nodded along as if I too understood the significance of this scene.

So the battle seems to be going okay and no one of importance has died yet (except Scarlett Johansson). Baby Spider-Man retrieves the Magic Glove and everything is looking great, but then Big Evil Guy gets the Magic Glove. RDJ confronts him about it (really carrying the team again) and Big Evil Guy tries to flex that he has the Magic Glove. Lo and behold, the Magic Glove is missing its magic stones, rendering it useless! Turns out, RDJ took the magic stones and now has his OWN Magic Glove. He then proclaims that he is Iron Man. This was a big reveal for me. Then he activates the stones or whatever and the bad guys turn to dust.  

All of this was so overwhelming for me that I didn’t realize RDJ was dying. I’m not sure why he had to die, but I think it’s because he was a family man making the ultimate sacrifice for the greater good of the world and this is a movie. Sniffles could be heard throughout the theater as, presumably, we said goodbye to a beloved character. There was a funeral scene, and then some more time travel. Everyone was very solemn, and Samuel L. Jackson was there. Fin.

The Verdict

You’re probably thinking I hated this movie, or was bored to death by it. Surprisingly, I actually had a pretty enjoyable experience. For a three hour movie where I really didn’t understand much of what was happening, I felt engaged with it for almost the entire duration. I was shocked by how quickly those three hours passed. I will admit that it’s a bit of a struggle to follow a movie like this when it’s after midnight and there’s no recap of the previous eleven movies beforehand. So I guess the question is, would I recommend seeing Avengers: Endgame without seeing the other Avengers movies first? No, absolutely not. But if you find yourself in the same situation as me, please do not use my summary of the film as a way to prepare.

Written By: Andrea Renney

Weekly Watchlist: Week 4

Weekly Watchlist. Week 4. This week is completely packed with movies as I have worked towards watching at least one film per day. Lots of variety this time around, mixing classics, more contemporary films, criterions, and some marvel movies.

So here’s what I watched this time around.

Saturday (3.23.19)

Chinatown (1974) – 4/5

  • A classic I was required to watch for my film classics class in anticipation for the midterm; quite a nice film though; Jack Nicholson kills it and the story is genuinely cool.

Young Frankenstein (1974) – 4/5

  • Another classic I needed to watch for the midterm mentioned above; this film was definitely ahead of its time and incorporated a lot of comedic elements that I appreciated.

Sunday (3.24.19)

Mid90s (2018) – 4.5/5

  • One of my favorite movies of all time due to the subject matter and the personal story it tells; I relate to it a lot to I love to watch this.

The Soloist (2009) – 3/5

  • Not a big fan of learning about African-American poverty through the lens of a rich English white dude but it wasn’t terrible. Nice performances by the actors and props to the kid who played the younger version of Jamie Foxx and killed it on the cello.

Us (2019) – 4/5

  • Lots to unpack in this movie honestly. The soundtrack/score is amazing; the cinematography and writing are really well done; I need a 2nd viewing asap to interpret the rest.

Monday (3.25.19)

Captain America: The First Avenger (2011) – 3.5/5

  • Not much to say about this movie; decent origin story and well executed

Tuesday (3.26.19)

If Beale Street Could Talk (2018) – 4.5/5

  • Quite honestly, I’ve already listened to the music score for this film a million times before finally watching it. This film is a great example of beautiful story telling. The plot is touching and extremely real; in addition, all artistic/visual elements are so well done and I love it

Wednesday (3.27.19)

Captive State (2019) – 2/5

  • This was a true waste of talent and money to the fullest extent. This was poorly executed w/ many flukes and just lame writing. I wish I could like it more cuz it was filmed in Chicago and we need more of that but oh well

Mandy (2018) – 4/5

  • The visuals in this movie are absolutely crazy; lighting and cinematography go hard af. Also, Nicholas Cage in a chainsaw battle is a nightmare-esque image that I’ll be thinking about for a while

Thursday (3.28.19)

Punch-Drunk Love (2002) – 4/5

  • This is really good anxiety-ridden writing w/ excellent cinematography and it hits hard; there’s literally so many subplots in this it’s crazy. Sidenote: Sandler & Hoffman KILL it in this

Friday (3.29.19)

The Beach Bum (2019) – 3.5/5

  • Accurate representation of South Florida residents played by Matthew McConaughey in his final form. The plot is kind everywhere but it works for the most part; I like it but I don’t think I’d watch it again

Saturday (3.30.19)

Us (2019) – 3.5/5

  • A 2nd viewing reveals some plot holes and delivers more questions than answers tbh; nonetheless, great film and extremely well don

To The Wonder (2012) – 2.5/5

  • Personable and nice but kinda just pointless w/ not much substance; this is shot very well (on film) by Lubezki. In addition, this is the first Mallick film I’ve seen (sadly) so there are several more to come

Sunday (3.31.19)

Punch-Drunk Love (2002) – 4.5/5

  • 2nd viewing in the span of 3 days; somehow watching this with friends actually made it more enjoyable and better so it gets an extra half star for friendship

Monday (4.1.19)

Magnolia (1999) – 4.5/5

  • Honestly not sure how to process everything I have just absorbed in these 3 hours of cinematic excellence

Tuesday (4.2.19)

The Avengers (2012) – 3.5/5

  • Loki is a cool antagonist; thought this movie was the most badass thing when I was 12

Weekend (2011) – 4/5

  • I really like the cinematography; the camera here peers into these people’s lives and listens into their conversations. The dialogue is nice and realistic and shines through the long ass takes; very very nice

Wednesday (4.3.19)

Iron Man 3 (2013) – 2.5/5

  • I don’t like the backstory for the main antagonist; not my fav marvel movie & I hate gwyneth paltrow

Thor: The Dark World (2013) – 2.5/5

  • This movie is just lord of the rings characters w/ star wars technology

Thursday (4.4.19)

Captain America: The Winter Soldier (2014) – 3/5

  • Yeehaw; I like the character development w/ Bucky’s character and the bromance he got going on with cap’n murica

Short Term 12 (2013) – 3.5/5

  • Inspiring that an alumni from my school made this; sad to see that a POC writer/director filled his film with a full caucasian cast though, the only minorities in this film serve as very small roles or supporting characters; which I guess was typical in 2013? Idk man. The story is nice/unique and the subplots within it help move it along pretty well. Cinematography is rather nice and completely handheld and I enjoy the score.

Carnage (2011) – 3.5/5

  • Nice opening shot, really great casting, very nice lighting, prod design is amazing. The funny thing about adults is that they aren’t direct and to the point like children, they dance around the subject in this film and try to politely take stabs at each other’s family/issues. The tense situations are alleviated by the awkward humor of John C. Reilly’s character and upfront sarcasm by Christoph Waltz’ character; but the dialogue between the 2 mothers as they try to hide their bitchiness behind politeness is what I enjoy the most. In agreement w/ my friend Q, the entertainment value diminishes towards the end; you can only play w/ the idea of 4 adults bickering in one apartment for so long before it gets old, though I like how the story/characters evolve throughout the film.

Thank you for reading along for this week; I hope these comments offer insight into your choice of what to watch and what to avoid.

Make sure to check in next week to see what I watch.

Written by: Eduardo Orozco