An Introduction to Sexcapades:
Let me start my sex blog by saying this: I love to talk about sex. I don’t mind talking about sex, sex education, sex positions, sex toys, sex kinks; if it’s a good story I’ll listen. Even among my friends, I’m always the first to bring up my latest sexcapades. I have a few iconic stories that really solidified me as being sexually open; we’ll get to some of those later. I just have one request for my readers: be open-minded. Please, don’t shame people for whatever type of sex they do or don’t have.
Speaking of shame, I was re-watching Big Mouth (If you haven’t watched it by now, what are you doing?) recently. In the episode titled “The Shame Wizard,” Andrew confides in his Rabbi about his shame in masturbation. The Rabbi tells Andrew to talk to the Catholics about shame. That line really stopped me in my tracks. If you know me, you know I am not religious and that I wasn’t raised that way. However, my parents and grandparents were raised Catholic.
In my teen years, I can recall a few sexual encounters where I felt shameful. There was the time sophomore year of high school where I vigorously made out with a senior at a party. Another time where I made out with that senior’s cousin in my friend’s boyfriend’s basement. And, the time I gave my first blowjob.
Sophomore year was a real sexual awakening time for me. It was a very fundamental time for me, my sex life and figuring our who I was. I felt like every coming of age girl should: powerful, sexy, strong, sometimes insecure and, of course, shame. I don’t understand why sex needs to have a blanket of shame that weighs over it. Yet, we’ve all felt it. Is sex shameful because of religion, is it the way we were raised, the society we live in or the media depictions that we are bombarded with?
I think the reason why I feel shame toward sex is from an ancestral pattern I inherited from my maternal lineage. My grandparents grew up in a time where sex was a taboo discussion. During that time, people only had sex to reproduce. Today, we have this hook up culture where we crave a no strings attached engagement.
Additionally on that side of the family is history of sexual trauma, or in other words, abuse. Not to mention, one of my great-aunts was forced into the convent because her parents thought she was promiscuous. Therefore, one could suggest that shame runs in the family.
My Triumph Over Shame:
Patterns like this influenced the way my siblings and I were taught about sex. Don’t get me wrong, I was taught proper sex education. Yet, I felt like I was bad for having these unspoken urges, like, I was deviant. As I matured, became self-aware and sexually awakened I tried different ways to break my ancestral pattern. This is one of those ways, writing about sex for the world to read. Similar to a modern day Carrie Bradshaw, but minus the city (though I miss it, dearly) and less fashionable outfits.
Another way I continue to break my shameful sex pattern, is being open and unapologetic for the way I am. Why should I be sorry for the way I present myself. Bobby Brown said it right, “I see nothing wrong, spreading myself around.” It is me being my authentic self. I am not trying to gloat that I have so much sex—I definitely don’t—but I don’t mind talking about it. It is a part of who I am. If talking about sex or your sex life is not for you, rock on, my dude.
Biology says its normal:
Say this to yourself: “My reason for shame does not define me!” Now scream it! You should not feel gross or guilty immediately after engaging a sexual activity. It should not make you feel that way — it should be consensual, and a time where you feel the most in your body. Your sexuality and sexual-ness makes you human.
We’ve all learned in biology that sex is natural, or at least seen some Planet Earth episodes where the animals have sex. The male bird makes a specific sound to attract mates, the Baboon presents its butt, female dogs go into heat; whatever it is, animals “do it” too. Bonobo chimpanzees and dolphins have sex for pleasure, just like humans. If the animal kingdom is having their cake and eating it too, why should humans forbid others from doing it?
I know it seems like I am asking more questions than answering them, but I want you to think about it for yourself. How do you feel about your sex life? Do you enjoy it? Do you feel shame? Do you feel powerful? I like to reflect every so often about my recent sexual experiences. I don’t think all sex has to be a casual, one-night-stand. Nor do I think that all sex has must between two people in a committed relationship. It is totally up to you about how you go about your sex life. Make sure it’s safe, consensual, mind-blowing and—of course— shameless.