The Pansexual Panel: Group Sex and Polyamory

The Pansexual Panel

Group sex, polyamory, and most importantly, taking care of yourself is the core message of the latest issue of The Pansexual Panel.

Let’s all collectively admit that people are giving polyamory a bad name by slapping it on every instance of group sex and calling it a day. Okay, now let’s take a step back and really dig into what the heck I’m talking about. Just the other day a question threw me for a loop; how do people even get into a situation were multiple people want to have sex with you?

It’s a fair question. And on my part, all the situations I’ve ended up in before just happened naturally. Not to say some didn’t have a few kinks (no pun intended) to work out. But to be perfectly honest it was more of a “right time, right place” kind of situation. Before delving into the topic, it should be noted that when polyamory is done right, when everyone is open and honest about their needs and wants, it works really well. It does require that you put out a lot more effort, but the payoff is almost always worth it.

And for the uninitiated: “Polyamory is the practice of, or desire for, intimate relationships with more than one partner, with the consent of all partners involved.”

Let’s assume for this round that you are in fact looking to get into a sexual encounter with multiple people at the same time. Well good for you! Most people feel weird about sex in general but here you are wanting to dive head first into sexual exploration. My first instinct is to over plan, so definitely do not do that. However, this doesn’t mean you should skip expectations and limits. That’s right: LIMITS! Just because it’s a more open group doesn’t mean you have to compromise something. Establish these rules before moving forward and people will know you are serious about your boundaries.

Safety should always stick at the top of the list, both mentally and physically. Are you sexually active? Then get tested every 6 months to a year, or better yet, every 3-6 months. As long as you are making yourself top priority, you can literally do anything you like. Oftentimes people will try to rain on your parade and limit what you do; don’t let them! That message is especially directed towards femmes and ladies: slut shaming isn’t cool, “dude,” and I’m here to tell you that everyone else is just JEALOUS. That’s right, full on Jelly!

But all in all, if you want more legitimate information about sex in general check out the book: The Guide to Getting It On by Paul-Joannides

This book changed my life when I first read it 8 years ago, and I sure hope it gets you started down a road of sexual positivity. Until next time, enjoy your sex and make sure you don’t compromise your comfort for some else’s pleasure.

Written by: Jonathan Sotelo

Sunflower Seeds: Blooming to California

Sunflower Seeds is a bi-weekly series where I detail my transition from mid-western Chicago over to Southern California. The initial move led me to bloom.

2 degrees to 92 degrees. I’m talking about the magnificent city of Chicago. I’m a 20-year-old curious girl who picked a school 2,000 miles away from my beloved home. Chicago, Illinois had been all I knew for 18 years, but I desperately needed change. I couldn’t take the negative 11 degrees anymore, and quite frankly I was just bored with the whole Midwest thing. I needed to bloom! I wanted exhilaration, for California is the land of hopes and dreams after all. Now don’t get me wrong, I was scared out of my damn mind, but I’d like to think I’m making something notable of myself.

When I first came to San Diego I literally felt culture shock. I wasn’t necessarily home sick, but everything here was so unfamiliar. It blew my mind how people dressed since it’s pretty much 70 degrees year-round, everyone and their mother seems to have a tattoo, and I had no clue what the word açaí even meant. San Diegans seemed to be so liberated compared to sedulous Chicagoans; they did what they wanted when they wanted. I’m not saying this is good or bad, but it was a lot to digest at once.

San Diego has a life of it’s own. That’s why I chose to start the next chapter of my life here. Moving to San Diego has taught me so much about myself – it’s weird to look at old photos and see the type of person I was just a moment ago. I do miss Chicago at times, for it will be one of the best cities you’ve ever bean to, but I’m very satisfied with where I am at today. I took on many challenges and struggled a tremendous amount with school/figuring out what my soul purpose is, but I am happily solving these mysteries one sunset at a time.

If you’re still reading this, you have probably noticed that this blog is called Sunflower Seeds. I named it this with the help of a great friend of mine who is actually a Chicagoan too, so shout out to you Kyle for experiencing these odd but exciting years with me at SDSU. The sunflower thing came up because I like to live my life freely, for sunflowers are the freest and happiest flowers of them all. I plan to give my insight on being a city girl in a beach town on a wide range of affairs that you hopefully find alluring. I hope you all continue to follow my thrilling escapades with me, for I shall see you next seed.

Behind the Mic: Moonlit Mayhem

Just like the moon’s gravitational pull causes the rise and fall of ocean tides, Moonlit Mayhem aims to create similar passion-filled sound waves.

Mario Sutka is the host of Moonlit Mayhem, which airs Thursdays from 10 p.m. to midnight. The music show, now on its fourth season, is free-flowing and listeners never know what they’re going to get— just the way Mario likes it.

“It’s experimental to a degree,” said Mario. “Not the music that I play, but just the formatting. Really, it’s just whatever I’m feeling off the top of my head.”

And he’s not just trying to supply his audience with new songs. He’s offering them a range of emotions packaged up as melody and lyrics. How do you form a human connection when there’s air waves between two people? Mario’s on a mission to find out.

During the show’s first season, Mario and his co-host at the time used to plan the music in advance and save the last five minutes for songs they chose on the spot. He soon realized that he favored the freedom and flexibility of picking the music while the show was happening.

The music began mirroring his mood in real time and almost acted as a radio diary of what his emotions were during a given show. His aim, however, isn’t to archive his own feelings. It’s to expose good music and wavy vibes.

“Once in a while, I’ll interview my friends that are in bands around San Diego. It’s really the DIY rock scene in San Diego, but I do listen to everything,” he said. “There’s a bunch of people I got to know when I went to community college and now I have a platform to promote their stuff.”

In between songs, you won’t hear Mario getting into lengthy discussions. He prefers to let the music do most of the talking. The self-proclaimed music nerd plays a healthy mix of pump-up jams and chill songs in order to produce a balance for his listeners.

“To me, a piece of music is wonderful because ignite a fire in you or calm you.”

Mario being Mario

Mario from Moonlight Mayhem

Mario is the marketing director of KCR, in charge of the radio station’s social media and Music on the Mesa (MotM).

MotM is hosted Thursdays at the farmers’ market. A KCR booth is set up from noon to 1 p.m. and staff members play music, give away concert tickets and talk to inquisitive minds about what opportunities they can find at KCR. It’s how Mario first found out about the radio station.

He is now in charge of running the event, and though it is one more responsibility he is committed to, he doesn’t see it as a burden. Quite the opposite, in fact.

“I like my alone time but I like being around people. I need a good blend and Music on the Mesa gave me that.”

Mario is all in when it comes to KCR. He hosts Moonlit Mayhem, a two-hour show every week and did a season in the summer. He’s on the board of directors and the face of the organization on Thursdays in the farmers’ market. Mario could be considered, by all means, a college radio superstar.

However, it wasn’t always this way. He used to be a division 1 swimmer at California State University, Bakersfield and had grown accustomed to seeing himself as a swimmer first, anything else second.

He sustained a career-ending injury during his freshman year and his world seemingly began spinning off its axis. The identity he’d built for more than 10 years was suddenly gone.

“I thought I’d just cut my losses and come back home,” he said about the life-altering event.

The transition was onerous and at times, discouraging, as most students who have had to return to community college after attending a university can relate to.

Mario chose to focus his perspective on the silver linings that came with returning to his hometown of San Diego, such as attending SDSU and being clearer with his goals before graduation.

“I just kind of want to use my show, crazy enough as it sounds, as a beacon where it’s ‘Hey, somebody’s out there.’ Not to be a super emotional water sign or whatever, but it doesn’t have to suck. It’s not a sprint, it’s a marathon.”

So how does someone alone in a studio generate a bond with listeners they don’t get to see? Mario’s still trying to figure it out, but he knows music has the power to do it.

Be sure to listen to his show, chat him up at Music on the Mesa and follow KCR College Radio on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter. Since he’s, you know, in charge of the accounts now.

Moonlight Mayhem babe

Happy Mario

What does he miss most about being in elementary school?

The childlike wonderment he had about everything and the optimism about what was yet to come.

 

Written by: Monica Vigil

The Pansexual Panel: Why only with straight men?

The Pansexual Panel

Think about you. Why are you only having sex with straight men? Are you really being who you want to be? Or are you hiding in plain sight?

Just the other day someone asked “who are you (what gender, what sex)?” and vaguely gestured to my bright pastel clothing. A gesture that could only be interpreted as pure confusion over my sexuality and attached to it my gender identity. Everyone wants to place you in a box because they feel uncomfortable that they can’t judge you with a quick glance. This discomfort spreads even more when they aren’t sure if they should use HE SHE OR THEY assuming THEY ever comes across their mind. Sure dealing with straight culture can dampen your otherwise queer day, but that’s not the point. What drew me to this tiny corner of the internet today was a discussion among my Femme friends about sexual pleasure. More specifically:

Are you having an orgasm every single time you have sex?

Too broad? Let’s narrow that down:

Are women having orgasms when they have sex with men?

Please note the word “men” is being using lightly and for obvious reasons is not capitalized. More on that later I promise. The story begins with our close friend, who we will call Katie for the sake of her privacy and her innocent questions. Our friend group was not prepared for the bomb shell she dropped on us just a few days ago. Seemingly out of nowhere she asked:

Do you guys have an orgasm every single time you have sex?

Among the many answers came a single question:

Are you only having sex with straight men?

She nodded yes and a loud sigh came from every queer member of this impromptu panel that was formed around this single question. She continued to explain that her sexual relationship consisted of vigorous sex for just a few minutes during which she never quite got there. Plain and simple she wasn’t enjoying her sexual relationship with her boyfriend. Or rather her own pleasure was not being put up for discussion by her nor her boyfriend. Naturally we suggested that be the first step but to our dismay we discovered that he told her “It just takes too long”.

Let’s unpack that; a young girl mid-twenties who can count her sexual partners on her hand has now been told her want for pleasure is inconvenient.

F*** THAT.

Orgasms are important!

Obviously the first step should be an open discussion about pleasure both shared and individual but if someone isn’t willing to do that for you then you should consider why you are keeping them around. Is this a critique of straight men? Not at all, but consider that the most unsatisfied women we’ve ever encountered are always having sex with straight men. See, our set societal norms are cock blocking us. Seriously, the patriarchy has become so prominent and normalized that some women are questioning if they should be enjoying sex at all. The answer is:

YES!

Of course you should be enjoying sex, we should be redefining sex to include a huge variety of things. Penetration isn’t the only form of sex and I’m here to tell you that you need to stop letting people shame you. Upset some fucking people, talk back, question their motives be loud and be seen.

What is the first step? Start here if you like. This won’t be a 100% percent correct and informational one stop shop for all things sex, gender, sexual identity but it will be a place you can be honest with yourself and each other if you are willing to enter into that conversation.

Who am I?

My names Jonathan Richard Sotelo, I’m Mexican Guatemalan American. I am Queer, Pansexual, and gender non-conforming. If you believe in the spectrum you could place me right in the middle.

Until next time, think about you.

Written by: Jonathan Richard Sotelo