Us: Analysis, Themes, and Theories

Us is a pretty great sci-fi/horror film that’s worthy of the recent buzz.

Us is directed and written by Jordan Peele who wrote and directed 2017’s Get Out and stars Lupita N’yongo, Winston Duke, Elisabeth Moss, and Tim Heidecker. It tells the story of a family that goes on vacation to Santa Cruz, only to have their vacation cut short when they find a strange doppelganger family in their backyard, attempting to terrorize them and murder them. The film then turns into a story of survival as the family must escape Santa Cruz alive, while also stopping the doppelganger family from following them. I chose not to do a regular review for this one. My short recommendation for this movie is that you should at least see it at some point if you are interested. I think this film is super weird, fun, and suspenseful and it’s a great time at the movies. I will say, however, that I after I had the chance to view this film again, there were many issues I found throughout this film that seemed to negatively affect my experience the second time watching it. It wasn’t any issues with the film making really, I just found some plot holes and other inconsistencies with the film that didn’t make sense for me. In order to really discuss this film in full detail, I need to do an analysis instead. Not only because I wanted to talk about the themes of what this film has to offer, which does intrigue me, but also because I want to talk about the elements of this film that frustrated me and caused me to not enjoy it nearly as much the second time around.

SPOILERS AHEAD! DO NOT READ PAST THIS POINT IF YOU DO NOT WANT THE FILM SPOILED FOR YOU!

The film starts off as we see Lupita N’yongo’s character, Adelaide, as a young child at a fair at Santa Cruz in 1986. She is with her mother and father, and the father seems to be drunk and playing many carnival games. This clearly frustrates the mother as he is paying little to no attention to the daughter. But when the mother leaves to go to the bathroom and the father plays another carnival game, neglecting to keep an eye on his daughter, she wanders off to the beach below where she finds a hall of mirrors in which she comes across a version of herself who seemingly “traumatizes” her leaving her unable to speak. Years later, she’s grown up, had a family, and they suggest that they take a vacation to Santa Cruz every summer. In the film, we see she is nervous the entire time while there because she seems to remember an incident that scarred her for life at the beach. The film then cuts as the family is outside trying to get in so they can murder them. The version of Adelaide, Red, that seemed to traumatize her is now in front of her face again as she had predicted would happen.

Luckily, the family is able to escape their home, but when they try to go to their friends’ house for help, a family with a father played by Tim Heidecker and a mother played by Elizabeth Moss, they find that the doppelganger of their family has already murdered them, which leads them to more danger. They are able to escape but are stopped when Red captures Jason, their son, and takes him into the underground where they all reside. It is at this moment that we find out that Red explains that there is a whole society of people like her down below who mimic their actions from up above, but never get to go up there. In retaliation, she plans on killing everyone and starting their own society above ground. They also re-create the Hands Across America protest from the 1980’s to symbolize their new dominance over the country. If you don’t know, the Hands Across America event was one in which people all across the country joined hands with each other to make one big line across the entire country from the Pacific Ocean to the Atlantic Ocean in an effort to support the end of hunger in Africa. After Adelaide and Red fight each other, with Adelaide stabbing Red winning the fight, she leaves the underground with her son. We then see a flashback in which it turns out at the beach the day young Adelaide came across her young look a like self at the hall of mirrors, the doppelganger chokes Adelaide, damaging her vocal chords and forcing her underground. In other words, the Adelaide we have been following the whole time is actually the former doppelganger from below all along.

I love this film as it’s a fun, suspenseful horror flick with some great themes and satire.

This is a film that has so much strange elements to it that I cannot help but love and further recommend you check out. I’m really happy that we are able to get original ideas like this still out in theaters, and I’m glad that many people are actually coming out to support these flicks. I love the creativity that this film has to offer and I love that this film can create a concept and a universe that feels like it would be potentially terrifying to inhabit. I would personally be horrified if I found a doppelganger version of myself was trying to murder me. Since it is assumed they are a version of me, they think like me. Because of this, they know what traps I’ll fall for, what scares me, and what especially hurts me. A doppelganger of myself would truly f— me up! It’s a very strange yet brilliant concept that I’m surprised no other filmmaker has ever been able to put up on screen until this point, but I’m glad that this exists now. If you were to analyze its themes that is is clearly going for, it seems to be an allegory for class society and the way we treat and see others because of it. It can also be seen as an allegory for guilt and regret as Adelaide regrets having done what she did to her other self. If you need another interpretation, this could also be seen as an allegory for race relations in the US. Perhaps the people above are the elite race and the ones below are the minorities. This would make sense as Jordan Peele’s last film Get Out dealt with race relations and mocked individuals who would claim to fight for social justice rights for African Americans and Black Americans, but actually end up exploiting them for their victim-hood instead. Jordan Peele does a really great job with creating these horror stories with really great satire implemented into it.

I do have to admit that upon a second viewing, I found many inconsistencies within this movie, which is unfortunate.

There’s a ton of plot holes that come up when you decide to watch this movie again. It’s unfortunate to me to see these because there are instances that I know I shouldn’t be thinking about or acknowledging, but I just can’t help but ask these questions when I see these moments. There’s only going to be a few highlight ones that I acknowledged when watching this movie, but I know for a fact there’s plenty more if you want to examine the film even further. The first question I have with this movie comes at the beginning when Adelaide is nervous about being in Santa Cruz and going to the beach. This is apparently a vacation that they go on every year, as hinted several times throughout the film, so my question is did Adelaide ever get this way in previous years going on this trip? If that’s the case why do they keep coming back. They never acknowledge that she might have gotten this way in year’s past, it’s just a new thing that they realized now. And okay, even if she doesn’t get nervous while at Santa Cruz, do any of them know that she had a traumatic experience at Santa Cruz when she was younger? She doesn’t have to explain it in full detail, but did she ever suggest that she went through a troubling event growing up? And I know a potential defense for that is “she just gets that way when she hears they’re going to the beach” which is fine, but what else do they do there then? I know this seems really nitpicky, but I can’t help but think that they would stop taking this trip by now if it made her as upset as it clearly seems to in this instance. I don’t know, I feel like she would have eventually brought it up at some point that she went through such an experience.

My next questions involve the underground itself. What they suggest is that for every action that takes place above ground, there is a duplicate action taking place underground. Now there’s many actions that the characters below are seen doing that are identical to the ones up above. For example, some will be riding a roller coaster, others will be playing a carnival game, and others will be walking around the carnival. The people riding the roller coaster aren’t moving locations, they are only moving in their seats like it’s a simulator ride at Universal Studios (roasted). This would perhaps make sense because they end up in the same location as before. But what if someone up above is driving a car. They don’t end up in the same location like a roller coaster would. What about if someone up above goes in a direction and the person below is blocked by a wall? Do they go around the wall and catch up with the people above later? Now what about if someone decides to go swimming in an ocean, lake, or river? Are there tunnels below for at least a potential several miles away from the shores of these bodies of water? What about travelling internationally? They suggested that the tunnels are only in the United States, but if someone travels to Europe or Asia, do the doppelgangers still follow them across the seas? How would they get there at the same amount of time as the people above? If the people above take a 12 hour flight to China, perhaps, would the doppelganger follow the person all the way to China. A person cannot physically travel over 600 miles/hour across oceans without vehicular assistance such as an airplane. And if they did find a way to travel 600 miles/hour across oceans underground, those tunnels that lead to areas beyond the United States must be really deep below the ocean. That could almost be potentially tens of thousands of feet below water. This given that the tunnels themselves are already likely around 100-250 ft. below the surface already. Explorers haven’t even been to the lowest depths of many of these oceans. The truth is we have no idea what’s going on down there. Did someone build those tunnels then that are over 35,000-40,000 feet below the ocean? And finally, when Adelaide goes to confront Red and Red explains to her the world that exists underground, it makes sense from a narrative stand point as we as the audience do not understand what is going on, but given the end of the film, Adelaide already knows how this universe works. She’s lived there for much of her childhood, she probably remembers it pretty well.

Honestly I could go on all day listing off the various things that don’t make sense about this universe. I will defend Peele, however, in that he probably did not have much time to explain this universe or set up the rules of it properly. If they ever choose to do a follow up to this movie (which seems unlikely) they would certainly answer these questions. This could potentially lead to really fun discussions and debates to have with your friends. Even though these plot holes slightly take me out of the movie, I do look forward to showing this movie to friends maybe who haven’t seen it or to watching it again with friends who are already fans of it like I am. And I think that is what makes this movie special. For all its plot holes, this movie seems to understand how to keep the audience engaged and entertained. It’s weird and different and definitely a very different film from Get Out. I wouldn’t say it’s so much scary as it is suspenseful. It is creepy, from the perspective of the children, to see your dad being dragged out of your house by a man that looks exactly like him, and it’s also creepy thinking about coming across your own killer doppelganger. Again, they know how you think, and they know how to instill the most painful and horrific death upon you. Overall, this is a really fun movie to converse with your friends about. I think it now makes sense why I wanted to get into spoilers with this one. I don’t know. I will probably keep doing more of these spoiler filled reviews as I tend to find they are much more fun then the traditional non spoiler review. I did a very similar thing with the film Climax and that was a ton of fun, so we’ll see. Expect that with Avengers: Endgame I’ll do the same style of review so I can just get into every little nook and cranny with that one.

Written by: Christian Scognamillo

Is Climax Worth Your Time?

Climax is one of the most memorable theater going experiences audiences will have for a long while!

Climax is one of the most genuinely frightening and haunting experiences I have ever had in my life.  This film deeply troubled and disturbed me on a level I have never really experienced with a film before.  This is an Arthouse French Extremist film directed by famous French filmmaker Gaspar Noe`.  Hist two most well-known films are Irreversible (2002) and Enter the Void (2009).  These two films are known for depicting intense sequences of graphic violence or intense, psychedelic drug trips.  Now, I must confess that I am new when it comes to the works of Gaspar Noe`.  Climax is the only film of his I have seen so far.  I was inclined to check this film out, however, because of a very positive review published by YouTuber Adum Johnson of “YourMovieSucksdotOrg” who gave this film a glowing review and declared it the best film of 2018. Even though the film disturbed me on a level that I have never experienced before, does that mean this film is at least well-made?

Climax tells the story of a school of dancers that all share a passion and love of dancing together as indicated by the audition tapes shown of each of the characters. 

The film then starts off as they rehearse an extremely elaborate and seemingly very well-choreographed dance of theirs that lasts in the film for about six minutes and is captured in one shot.  They find themselves into some trouble, however, as they attend an after party in which most of the troupe accidentally drinks some sangria that was spiked with LSD.  It is then from this point that the film turns into an absolute nightmare. We never see what the dancers are hallucinating, only their reactions, and the way this affects everyone around them.

This is the opening dance sequence to this film that is almost six minutes long and done in only one shot

Despite this film being one of the most challenging viewing experiences, I still cannot deny the incredible craft that is on display.

This is not a film I have any desire to watch again.  In fact, I feel this film can only truly be described as a hellish nightmare, and it is certainly not for everyone.  Events occur in this film that are so unbelievably troubling, it makes this a challenging watch.  With that being said, the cinematography on display is extremely impressive.  The dance sequences that occur in this film are all captured in one continuous shot which makes them so impressive to watch. What’s interesting, however, is that these long takes aren’t exclusive to dance sequences.  Whenever the dancers try to relieve themselves of the horrors of their intense drug trip, the camera will often linger and follow them around the dance studio.  These shots will oftentimes last up to fifteen minutes.  The lighting and the music that accompany these scenes as well is equally impressive.  The film will often present contrasting harsh tones of either bright neon lights and decorations, or incredibly boring and stale brown dance studio floors.  And finally, the score for this film was woven into the narrative, as it was presented as the music the DJ was playing for the dancers during rehearsal and at the after party.  Overall, the score was very fun and memorable.

*SPOILERS AHEAD* DON’T READ THIS NEXT SECTION IF YOU DON’T WANT TO SPOIL CLIMAX!

Now I would like to discuss some of the most horrific moments that occur throughout the film.  So, after the dance sequence occurs and the troupe drinks the sangria, the party starts, and the opening credits roll.  And if you’re wondering why I am only mentioning this now, it’s because the credits for this film start at about thirty to forty five minutes into this movie. 

What’s more is that they are presented in a very similar flashy style to that of Enter the Void.  After the credits roll, dancers become terrified when they realize that they are starting to experience a horrible psychedelic trip.  The teacher of this school, who has a young son who can’t be more than seven years old, accidentally drinks some of the sangria and begins to start hallucinating himself.  This worries his mother who is also now high on LSD and she decides to lock in in the electrical room to keep him away from the other dancers.  Although a horrible move, these actions are somewhat justified upon remembering that they are all high on LSD.  As the dancers begin to figure out who is the person who spiked the LSD, they try to find other dancers who did not drink any sangria at all.  They find one dancer who did not drink any, but the reason is still unclear and unknown.  That’s all the convincing they need however, to decide to throw him out into the snow locking him outside for the night.  They find another one of the dancers who did not drink any since she is pregnant.  The dancers do not believe her that she is pregnant though and they start kicking her stomach and beating her to the ground.  They eventually convince her to punch her own stomach, effectively aborting her own baby and causing a miscarriage.  The camera then lingers back to one of the main dancers, played by Sofia Boutella, lying near the door where the little boy is screaming and crying as he tries to escape the electrical room.  As the dancer tries to get the teacher to let him out, all the electricity goes off and the screaming suddenly stops.  Everyone now realizes that the little boy has accidentally electrocuted himself in the room.  The teacher screams and cries as she realizes she has accidentally killed her son.  The main dancer mentioned before is raped by another female dancer, a brother and sister pair of twins accidentally sleep together, and the final sequence during the party consists of everyone either having sex or convulsing on the floor.  The shot is presented upside down so the floor is on the top of the frame and the actors on the floor are on the bottom of the frame.  After this, we find out one of the separate female dancers spiked the sangria with LSD as we find her bag is full of cartons LSD and they even shows her taking some LSD eye drops herself.  Further, the dancer thrown into the snow has frozen to death outside, and the teacher has slit her wrists to mourn the loss of her son.

Although Climax is a really well made film, should you still see it though?

Climax is a film that is designed and created to intentionally make you extremely uncomfortable and polarize audiences who view it.  Many critics have pointed out, and I will follow suit in saying that audiences will either absolutely love or absolutely hate this film.  In all honesty, however, I’m not sure how I truly feel about this movie.  I acknowledge that what Gaspar Noe` has done with his directing and cinematography is near groundbreaking; Simultaneously, I’ll acknowledge that I was absolutely miserable while viewing the film.  Although this was intentional, it really decreased the “re-watch-ability” factor for me which I feel is crucial for any film.  I recommend this film the most to audience members who are looking for something unique and unlike anything they’ve ever seen before.  I understand the current landscape of films nowadays is super hero movies and Disney remakes, so this is definitely a nice change of pace from that.  However, the film is still so miserable that I think this might be too far for even the most seasoned audience members who want some more creativity in their films.  Here’s what I will say though: If what I have described to you sounds crazy enough that you feel the need to watch it, you should do exactly that.  For me, I acknowledge this is usually not a film I would watch, but I wanted to challenge myself.  If you’re not into disturbing visceral experiences like this, don’t watch it.  This will give even the bravest film viewers nightmares and may likely leave you in a bad head space for the next day or two, as it did with me.  I can’t really classify this movie as good or bad, but rather just disturbing.  For me, this was a masterfully made film that upset me greatly, which is why I’m glad I watched it, but I never want to watch it again.

Written by: Christian Scognamillo

Possum (2018) – Film Review

A Temporary Glimpse into the World of Possum (2018): An Absolutely Gripping Fever Dream of a Film.

All Bones, No Meat

I like my films how I like my sexual encounters; confusing, without context, and unsure of what’s going on for the majority of the time. A wise man (me) once said media is best experienced when you have the least amount of context going into them. No trailers, no spoilers, just a cool-sounding title and a summary of a few sentences to spice up your interest. So when it comes to the 2018 film Possum, directed by Matthew Holness, here it is:

A small talking man, aged by torment, has returned to his childhood home after serving in the military. After his service, he takes up puppeteering, but it doesn’t go too well. Maybe because his puppet is a giant disgusting, wound-ridden spider with a human head, glass eyes, and a hundred-yard stare. The house he returns to isn’t empty though; when he arrives he finds his filthy uncle Maurice has been living there for some time now. The plot revolves around dream-like montages of our dear puppeteer Philip returning to different places significant to his childhood as he attempts to figure out the secrets of his past and the house he now lives in.

There’s your summary. That’s ALL you get. Go watch it, it’s fantastic, I gave it 4/5 stars (that’s a high score from me). If you feel intrigued but don’t care about spoilers, or if you’ve already watched it, stay for a bit while I go into detail about this film, and probably end up digging deeper than necessary.

*TRIGGER WARNING: This film includes themes of abuse and sexual assault. If you are uncomfortable with these concepts or themes please don’t watch/read about this film. If you or someone you know is dealing with abuse trouble and need help, call this number:
National Sexual Assault Telephone Hotline – 800.656.HOPE (4673)
Thank you and enjoy the rest of the review.*

 

!!! SPOILER WARNING !!!

All Meat, Boneless

Alright sweet, now that we’ve thinned the herd a little bit, let’s talk about this movie.

Possum (2018) follows what I would call “dream logic.” Numerous scenes of the film happen out of order or with fractures in between, with the camera taking a break from what’s really happening to Phillip and instead catching a shot of some yellow and orange balloons beginning to smoke up, black rain pouring from the sky, and seeing that dreadful Possum puppet everywhere he goes. Possum is filmed in such a way that it gradually reveals more and more of the horrifying Possum puppet to the audience, representing Philip’s reawakening demons as well as both the audience and Philip slowly beginning to realize that Uncle Maurice has more to do with his trauma than Philip thinks.

Some shots seem to be glimpses into Philip’s memory, showing places he’s been in before, just empty with no one else in them. The film doesn’t have many human characters in it, making it seem just as lonely as Phillip is. However, that isn’t to say that the film lacks character; Sean Harris (who plays Philip) delivers a haunting performance that keeps a tight grip of your attention through the entirety of Possum’s 85-minute run time. Speaking of acting, Harris’ movements throughout the film are very reminiscent of child-like mannerisms and insecurities. Looking over his shoulder while he runs away nervously, sweaty hands held together in front of him like a toddler would when anxious from potential danger, curling up into the fetal position and crying when feeling threatened and whining like an unwanting baby when confronted. These all contribute to the ever-present truth of poor Phillip’s corrupted innocence, which is fed to the audience generously throughout.

What Does It Mean?

On the topic of symbolism, this film is full, simply bursting with it. If you like shots of random things representing other aspects or themes found in the movie, you’re in luck because this film has TONS of that. Here’s a quick list of all the symbols that I could find on the first viewing:

  • The yellow and orange balloons floating inside a children’s room represent Phillip’s original childhood ignorance, while the black smoke enveloping them represents the death of his parents (from the fire that Uncle Maurice started in Phillip’s house) as well as the corruption or ‘blackening’ of childhood innocence.
  • The nursery rhyme, “Mother, Father, what’s afoot? Only Possum, black as soot” bridges the gap between the purity of his younger years and the hell he now endures every day, walking around trying to live while being haunted by his past, feeling the eyes of his abuser on him at all times.
  • The black rain pouring from the sky, tainting everything it touches with its necro-colored pollution, is a symbol of Phillip feeling that his whole world is being overcome by insanity.
  • The immortal fox which can be beaten until dead and rotten, but somehow always stands back up and walks away, is a symbol of the anguish he feels and his inability to get rid of it.
  • The surrounding area is full of forests with many dead trees and warped branches, symbolizing the spindly, disgusting spider legs of the Possum.
  • While on the topic of spider legs, those in themselves are a symbol for fingers. If you haven’t seen the last 10 minutes of the film, there’s a LOT of fingers involved.
  • And last but not least, the Possum. Phillip’s dead-eyed spider puppet symbolizes multiple things; his fractured or suffering mental state, his abusive uncle Maurice (who we later discover is the man who’s been abducting and molesting many children in the area, who also raped him when he was young), and Philip’s desire to release this trauma from his life. Wherever he goes, no matter how hard he tries to get rid of it, the Possum is always there. Creeping up close behind him, watching him from afar, waking up with it in his bed, menacing him with his long, hairy appendages. There is no escape, you can’t break it or burn it, you can’t leave it all behind, because pain and memories aren’t physical things. The only way to get rid of abuse is to do away with the abuser.

Speculation Abomination

When Uncle Maurice says, “Waking up is it? Wants to get out” he’s referring to Phillip’s growing suspicion that Maurice is actually the one that raped him.

The green candies Maurice offers to Phillip could potentially be drugs that knock him out and allow for Maurice to get up to his dirty deeds. They could also be just regular candies that Maurice used to coerce Phillip into doing gross things or letting Maurice abuse him more.

The nature of the name ‘Possum’ for the puppet could be significant in that it mirrors how Phillip acts. Possums (the animal) are known to be cowardly and play dead when frightened, which is something Phillip does when he’s put into an uncomfortable situation. When he throws the Possum off the bridge, he too acts like a possum, slams into the mud, and curls up in a ball while he experiences horrible flashbacks.

Final Thoughts

This movie is really good and it is worth your time. It makes you feel more uncomfortable and slimy than scared, but the single most terrifying scene of the whole movie is well deserved. I literally threw my laptop when Uncle Maurice jumped out of the shadows. Please support this film, I genuinely recommend it.

Written by: Fabrizio Ramirez

Sexcapades: Losing Your Virginity Is Not Magical

Sexcapades

Don’t believe what they say – losing your virginity is the stuff of nightmares.

In my sexual awakening sophomore year of high school, one of my friends was dating a senior, whom she lost her virginity to. She described her first time as if fireworks and confetti shot out of his penis. While other girls awed, blushed and clasped their hands in excitement and slight embarrassment by the word ‘sex.’ I skeptically sat there contemplating if your first time is really a big deal.

From that moment I began imagine how I’d like my first time go down. I didn’t want it to be with someone I was dating, I didn’t even want it to special or good for that matter. Well, I inherently knew it wasn’t going to be good. I just really wanted to get it over with. I felt like there would plenty of more times for improvement and fireworks.

There Will Be Blood: My virginity story

As junior prom approached, my mother (who must have picked up my thoughts on becoming more sexually active) put me on birth control. A very smart, progressive and rational decision on her part. At the time I was talking to this boy C.P.* who I somewhat liked but at the same time I felt like it wasn’t a right fit. We had been sort of talking, we’d hang out sometimes, text and snapchat all the time. We were both virgins and were thinking about “losing it” to each other during prom weekend.

I’m violently vomiting everywhere at the fact I wrote the phrase, “losing it.”

If you don’t know what prom weekend is, it’s the weekend following prom where juniors and seniors from the high school rent motel rooms at the infamous Anchor Motel in Seaside Heights, NJ. Long story short that is not what ended up happening. It was the second night and there was a bunch of people in my room. One of the people was this kid who I know from sports, Pete, * and he was flirting with me. A close friend of mine noticed the flirting and being a good wing-woman ushered people out of the room as he disappeared to the bathroom. When he emerged, I was alone and shaking because I didn’t know what to do. He looked a bit puzzled and I was hoping he couldn’t see the anxiety in my face. It all happened so fast, but the only thing that came out of my mouth was, “I don’t know where everyone went, but do you want to take more shots with me?”

One thing lead to another and we ended up having sex. Well sort of, his penis barely went in and it hurt so bad. The only thing on my mind was that I couldn’t believe I actually manifested this whole experience. It was exactly how I wanted it to go down! Shout out to my fairy Godmother looking out for me.I wanted to be daring for my first time so I decided to get on top but, when I looked down there was so much fucking blood. In my dramatic mind it looked like a murder scene.

I should have been mortified but all I did was laugh. Like hysterically laugh because something was bound to go wrong. Pete immediately rushed to my aide and asked if I was okay. I was fine and all I really wanted to do at that point was take a shower and get drunk more with my friends. When I came out he was still in my room, and I was all shook because I’d thought he’d bounce. Nope, he was still there, which I guess was kind of nice. I honestly don’t know how but we ended up cuddling and falling asleep? Yeah, it was weird and then my friends ended up kicking him out, which is hilarious. Love them, thanks guys.

It was actually in this point in time where I learned I hate cuddling, especially with someone I don’t even like!

Anyway, that’s my virginity story, it wasn’t magical, there were no firework but, of course, there was blood.

Submissions from unsatisfied women, I’m so sorry ladies.

Part of the reason why I started this blog was to give people a form and open a door for people to talk about the kind of sex they have. I create a submission form which I sent out to my close friends who then sent it to their friends. I was really nervous that I was going to no response but I ended up getting a few. These brave souls shared their embarrassing and hilarious first time stories, so I’ll let them have the floor now.

Happy Birthday Mom! From Small Dick Epsilon

“I came into college as a virgin and for some reason I thought it would be a good idea to download tinder. So, I match with this guy and we talk and plan to hang out. He bailed like five times so, clearly, he’s a fuckboy. Eighteen-year-old, virgin me was determined to meet up with him. We finally meet up for the first time, I drove forty-five minutes to see him. He takes me to his frat, no dinner, nothing! We literally said five words to each other and then fucked. Worst three minutes of my life, no foreplay or anything! He stuck his four-inch penis in my dry, tight-ass, virgin vag. It hurt like a bitch. So, I sleep over and the next day we get Chipotle. He really tried to make me pay for myself, I said to the woman ringing us up ‘oh we’re together.’ Like you really want me to pay for myself after you stuck your small dick inside me all last night? Not. A. Chance. Basically, my first time having sex was not like they make it seem in the movies. I was in a crusty, ugly, rude ass fuck boy’s room losing my virginity…on my MOM’S BIRTHDAY.  In a frat house nonetheless. Worst daughter in the world.” -Anonymous

Oh, Gravity is working against me

“So sophomore year in high school I had sex with this man-child who had better hair products than me. Basically, he turned on John Mayer’s Gravity and attempted to put on a condom. Five minutes go by, he’s still struggling to put on this fucking condom and I’m lying there like a dead fish. All while contemplating my life. Even better, I guess he specifically wanted to lose his virginity to that song so when it ended (he was trying to put the condom on) he frantically grabbed his phone to replay it. When he finally got the condom on he struggled for another ten minutes trying to get his dick in me. He had to be in me for at the most five seconds. It ended with me saying ‘did we even have sex,’ probably not the thing a guy wants to hear. Whatever dodged a bullet on that one because he ended up lying about his dad having terminal cancer to break up with me.” – Anonymous

Parting Words           

First times like first impressions can be tough. If you spend so much time trying to make it perfect, then you’ll end up hyping it in your head and being really disappointed when it doesn’t happen the way you want it. Just be natural and go with the flow, it’s not that big of a deal. I believe that when you find that right person you want to settle down with, that is all the magic and fireworks you need. Until then, keep on fuckin’.

If you have a funny, enlightening or educational sex piece that you’d like to submit, fill out this form.

Written by: Julie Cappiello
*All of names for this story have been changed from privacy reasons.
*Submissions stories were formatted to have correct grammar, spelling, punctuation and were edited to have a readable flow. Submissions were asked to be labelled anonymous by participants.